For The Man Who Cares About Beauty

I know a woman who is constantly being interviewed by beauty blogs and beauty sites because, as you may have guessed, she possesses great beauty. I am quite certain that at some point she will get paid to endorse beauty products. This is a fine way to make a lot of lucre quickly and is "nice work if you can get it." And as they say you can get it if you try.

For this reason I've created a beauty product for men which I will not only manufacture (probably in my apartment) market and sell, but ALSO be the highly paid spokesmodel who's face appears on the bottle and in men's fashion magazines such as "Car and Driver" and "Field and Stream." There are already "male beauty products" on the market, but these are almost always created by women or gay men, have a sort of a "chick aura" to them and if you're not a vegetarian usually don't work (and when I say vegetarian I don't mean the normal type but rather of one those types that can only eat broccoli grown in a Kibbutz under a full moon on alternate Tuesdays).

"Oil Of Old Lays" is something completely new and different. Derived from an ancient Egyptian formula which I purchased on Ebay (and which was created by the third assistant to the second assistant of the Pharaoh Tutankhamen before he was beheaded for consorting with lepers), "Oil Of Old Lays" caters to a man's latent need for beauty products that avoid words in their descriptions such as "emollient" and "energize" (most men think the latter has something to do with batteries). Its success will rely heavily on age old concepts of male beauty such as "fat," "beer" and "salt."

Hunters will be able to rub "Oil Of Old Lays" on their faces and not only achieve a ruddy and grizzled skin tone but will be able to stand in the woods without moving and attract deer. Men attending sporting events can rub it on their groins and avoid chafing when they get up to do "the wave." Guys making a late night "booty call" can put it on just in case the woman doesn't keep any junk food in her house, as it soaks into the pores of the skin and satisfies that ever-present male need without actually having to eat, either before OR after sex.

When I was done creating the prototype jar I brought it to a dermatologist who asked not to be named due to ethical considerations. At first he called me a moron and then called security. Thinking quickly I opened the jar and he immediately swooned from the scent. He then performed various tests on the product, some of which involved sucking it through a straw and then drinking a tequila shot as a chaser. After concluding his tests the good doctor had this to say:

"Oil Of Old Lays is by far the best male beauty product...BELCH...URP...ever invented. It's not only...HIC... tasty but any man who uses it on his....FART... face will look exactly as a man is supposed to look; as if he's just slept under a bus after binging on crack!"

I certainly plan to use this ringing endorsement in the advertising campaign.

Gentleman, I am taking orders presently so please contact me. Ladies, get some for your men.

Ashton Post Weekly Retractions

We here at the "Ashton Post" always admit when we're wrong. After all our title says as much:

This being said we'd like to print a retraction. Or perhaps several.

In last week's edition we referred to local alderman Bart Ochs as "Bert." This is because he looks like the puppet from "Sesame Street." We're sorry he looks like the puppet and regret any inconvenience our insensitive typo may have caused the alderman.

Whilst reviewing last week's "Ladies Auxiliary Fashion Parade" at the legion hall we referred to one of the models, Ms. Gwendolyn Barnes, as having a "big patoot." We had meant to say "huge ass" and apologize for any umbrage taken at this slight by Ms. Barnes.

In last week's "Golf Roundup" we indicated that plumber Joe Bigswallow shot 65 in the weekly "Win A Flat Screen" league. What actually happened is that he shot teammate Bob Fenster 65 times for laughing at his shanked putt on the fifteenth hole. Arraignment will take place Tuesday. We apologize for this unfortunate oversight.

An article written by restaurant reviewer Bill Anderson for last Friday's "Ashton Weekend Highlights" stated that "Paris Hilton Smelt." He had meant to say that "The Paris Smelt at the Ashton Hilton was under par, sort of like Joe Bigswallow's golf game." We apologize to Ms. Hilton and also to Joe Bigswallow for disparaging his recent golf outing. As punishment we will allow Mr. Bigswallow to ferociously beat, with impunity, Bill Anderson with his five iron. We certainly did not mean to further compound Ms. Hilton's prison woes and are, though we cannot at present ascertain this, fairly sure that she has little perfumed soaps in her cell while incarcerated and most likely smells of azaleas.

An oversight in Tuesday's "Chess Move Of The Day" column stated that the Ashton High Boys' Chess Team acted like "insufferable pussies" in a recent match against North Castleton High. This was a regretful statement however close to the truth it may or may not be. Instead we shall apologize and say they were "insufferable weenies."

The weekly "Johnson's Supermarket Circular" for Monday June 4-Sunday June 10 had listed "Large Italian Sausage" as being "two for a dollar." It should have read "Cover your large Italian Sausage with Trojans, two for a dollar." We're sorry about your Sunday dinner and even more sorry if you got pregnant. This retraction, however, absolves our organization from any future responsibility or lawsuits. The store is still offering the sale this week so get down there and don't blame us if you don't!

Our "Television Weekly" supplement for Monday June 11-Sunday June 17 listed a rerun of "The Beverly Hillbillies" airing on channel 10 at 6pm on Tuesday, June 12 as being "Granny Gets A Suitor." What actually aired was the episode "Jethro Gets Laid." Some parents were very offended so of course we apologize for listing the incorrect episode without a warning. Let's face it though; your kids probably know more about sex than you do. But, hey, we're still sorry for any inconvenience. Still, we're right and you know it. But we apologize and it won't happen again. Stop calling the switchboard and head over to Johnson's for some of those "Trojan Two-fers".

OK. We're done retracting for this week.

My Life As A Playing Card

Why the hell did I ever take this damned job? Huh? Tell me, please! Sure, I'm smiling in the picture but deep down I'm hurting!

First of all the recruiter lied. He told me I was going to be the Jack Of Diamonds but that went to some guy named Sid. Nice guy, no problems with him or anything, but come on! Look at me! I'm diamond material all the way! Do I look like a club to you with that smile? Come on, tell me, don't be afraid. Clubs never get the women. I asked the Queen Of Hearts for a date during a game of five card draw the other night and she told me "I wasn't her type." At first I thought it was because she was part of an ace-high flush and didn't have time to deal with it but then later I saw her with, yeah, you guessed it. The Jack Of Diamonds! Fuck it, you know? I don't need this aggravation.

Here's the other thing. When they hired me I told them "absolutely no magic tricks." So what happens the other day? I get sent to a kid's sixth birthday party with some asshole named "Hokum The Clown" who makes balloon animals and does shitty card tricks. They couldn't at least send me out with Criss Angel? At least he's good! Geez. On top of which he hid me in his ass crack once he made me "disappear." And these dopey kids fell for it. Ridiculous. I want a raise.

Speaking of stinky asses the Two Of Spades keeps farting. This guy has so much gas that if he turned himself over to the US government as an alternative fuel source the price of a gallon would go down to a buck. I've asked him nicely to lay off the pepperoni when we play Blackjack with those Italian guys from Pelham Parkway but he just doesn't listen. That card box is really cramped and it smells so rancid. I swear I'm going to throw up if he does it again. Does anyone notice this besides me? No one ever says anything. I thought the Eight Of Hearts was going to speak up the other night but he kept going on and on about being excluded from the Pinochle deck and how that's discrimination. You want to play Pinochle pal? Go right ahead! I can't stand it when I have to so I'll give you my hat and scepter and you can take my place. Please do! In fact, if you'll talk to the Two about his gas I'll do anything for you! He likes you and he'll probably listen. I'm getting a migraine now. I'm too old for this. I knew I should have kept my job as a tiddly-wink! Look, I wanted a career change, OK. Is that so wrong? I thought this would be exciting.

I know, I'm being negative. There are lot of people out of work. But some benefits might be nice, you know? Enough of this "independent contractor" bullshit! Don't the King Of Spades and the Ace Of Clubs get benefits? Yeah, they do! Because they have "tenure." Screw that! The other night some asshole dropped a huge casino chip on my head and I got a concussion! You couldn't just ante into the middle of the table like everyone else pal? And I had to pay for the doctor myself. What crap. I can't even sue because I can't afford a lawyer and that schmuck the Five Of Clubs, who has a law degree, won't even help me because he says its a "conflict of interests" since we're "friends." What? Friends? I hardly know you, Mister "Hokum The Clown Turned Me Into The Queen Of Hearts Who Wouldn't Date My 'Friend' With The Concussion And All The Kids Clapped And I'm So Great And Arrogant!" Fuck it, I'll pay for the damn doctor myself. Oh yes, and is it asking too much to have you guys pay when I give you the receipt for my dry cleaning? Those robes are a bitch and its REALLY expensive. But no, I guess I have to pay for that TOO.

OK. Deep breaths. Think positive. You're nobility (albeit without tenure); try to act dignfied. At least you're not that whore the Queen Of Hearts. Control the anger, Jack; you're just not her type. Ask out the Six Of Spades; I think she likes you. OK. Let it out, one big exhale. Another deep breath. OK. Good. Time to get back in the box and go to...to...another deep breath...to a "Slapjack" tournament at a middle school in Lodi...It can't be "Slap-eights" or "Slap-tens?" This sucks!

I knew should have taken that job with the Chess set.

Ask Uncle Cooclah No. 6

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

I was distressed to learn that the 1960s sitcom actor Bertram McGint passed away after a sudden illness. Can you give me a bit of background on this fine thespian? How did he die?

Just sign me,

Trailer Trollop From Tralee

Dear Strumpet,

Bertram "One Line" McGint was born Hyman Murgatroyd Bertram Lipschitz on New York's Lower East Side on April 14th, 1924. In 1942, at the young age of 18, McGint received his first starring role on radio's Blue Network as "Johnnie The Paper Boy" in the daily soap opera "The Many Illicit Loves Of Madame Borcane And Her Calico Ocelot" starring Shirley Booth. Before this McGint had been working in the studio commissary where he was considered an awful cook; then the war took a lot of radio actors overseas and since he had flat feet and couldn't be drafted he was bounced "upstairs into the studio" to fill the void and so that no one else would get ptomaine poisoning. When the Booth serial ended in 1945 McGint was cast as "Indian Chuck" in the heartwarmingly authentic western "Those Dang Apaches Of The Jersey Pinelands!" which starred a young Wally Cox as "Marshal Bob."

With the decline of radio and the birth of television in the early 1950s it was only natural that McGint follow the trend and move to the new medium. He was first seen on TV in 1952 as the guy who says "look up in the sky" during the title sequence of "The Adventures Of Superman". When he did not get the pay raise he expected (due to the studios need to buy George Reeves a new pair of Superman boots) he had his agent start looking for other work.

Offers came pouring in before McGint finally decided on the role of "Mordecai The Leftist" in the ground breaking sitcom "The Goldbergs." He was blacklisted for a time during the McCarthy era for playing this role; that's what caused him to change his name to Bertram McGint from Bertram Lipschitz which he felt made him sound "commie like" (McGint was the last name of a kindly truant officer the actor had dealt with during his troubled youth). The name change did the trick; since McCarthy was inebriated most of the time he thought Bertram Lipschitz and Bertram McGint were two different actors and was convinced that McGint was also an Irish alderman from Wisconsin who had contributed money to the Senator's cause.

When "The Goldbergs" ended in 1956 McGint played various parts until he finally landed the recurring role that would earn him the nickname "One Line."

From the show's inception in 1961 until its final episode in 1966 McGint played the role of "Phil The Milkman" on the sitcom "Mister Ed," an incredibly realistic and socially relevant comedy about the adventures of an insipid talking horse and his phlegmatic owner, a low rent Frank Lloyd Wright named Wilbur Post played by the comedian Alan Young. Most of the plots for this highly intellectual program centered around Post (who was the only person Ed would speak to) trying to convince others the horse could talk while at the same time trying to meet the outrageous demands of his snooty California clients who constantly ran him ragged designing their guest houses and cabanas.

As a general rule McGint's character didn't say anything and rarely had lines in the script. Usually the directions called for him to enter, drop off a couple of bottles of milk at the back door and occasionally utter "Here are those two bottles of milk you ordered Mrs. Post" to the character played by the actress Connie Hines.

In the episode "Mr. Ed Wins The Pennant," however, the directions called for him to enter the stable where Wilbur Post kept his office and drop off the bottles there although it would only be McGint and the horse in the scene (the reasons for this remain unclear to this day). There were no lines in the script for either Mr. Ed or "Phil The Milkman;" McGint was simply to put the bottles on Post's desk and leave.

Allan "Rocky" Lane, the former "B-Western" cowboy actor who provided Mr. Ed's voice from an area off camera, had arrived to work drunk that day and said the line "Haven't ya ever seen a horse wearing a catcher's mitt?" to McGint's character when in actuality it was supposed to have been said to Wilbur Post in a later scene. McGint, always looking to get an extra line into his rather thin script, did a double take at the camera and ad-libbed the now immortal sitcom utterance "Must have been that Chinese food I ate last night!" This broke up the cast and crew; Lane, however, was not amused as he hated to be upstaged even when loaded and playing a horse. Never known for his polite demeanor with other actors he reared up from his seat and threw a horseshoe at McGint, giving him a concussion and forcing the actor to miss several days of work.

Tales of the incident and McGint's hysterically funny ad lib spread around Hollywood like wildfire and this brilliant actor quickly found himself and his talents in demand; producers would hire him to play various characters who can't believe what they've just seen and think they may be hallucinating due to ingesting exotic cuisine. Each time he was hired McGint would be allowed to ad lib the line with a different twist for which he also received a writing credit. He played "Bob The Terrified Insurance Agent" in an episode of "The Addams Family" where upon seeing Gomez shoot fire out of his nose says "I never should have ordered that Peking Duck last night!" In an episode of "The Munsters" where he played the "Man From The Phone Company" he encounters Herman and runs from the house shrieking "Next time I'll listen to my wife when she tells me to lay off the Egg Foo Young!"

Realizing that his talents might also be suited to animated comedies Hanna-Barbera enlisted McGint's services to play the role of "Tweetstone The Bird Who's A Record Player" in several episodes of the animated classic
"The Flintstones. His lines "OOOHHHH, my achin' beak!" and "Hey Flintstone, how about layin' off those Artie Shaw records and puttin' on some Mantovani?" are now considered animation classics. For a time he also played "Chirprock The Can Opening Toucan" creating such ad libs as "Boy do I hate tuna fish!" and "I sure wish she'd stop serving chili!"

By the early 1970s McGint found that his services were no longer in demand; the country was looking to more serious sitcoms and dramas that didn't feature dialogue attacking the foods of foreign nations as this practice was starting to be considered "politically incorrect." A faux pas during a 1969 episode of I Dream Of Jeannie in which an ad lib from McGint was deemed insulting to both Italians and alcoholics did nothing but harm his already flagging career; as "Tom The Dishwasher Repairman" McGint sees Jeannie turn Major Healy into a donkey and yells out "I need to lay off the sauce and I don't mean Marinara!"

Bertram "One Line" McGint faded into relative obscurity for most of the 1970s and early 1980s; he actually had a job in the private sector as an appliance salesman due to his many roles as various appliance repairmen. In 1987 he was brought out of retirement to make an appearance as "Henry The Insurance Adjuster" on the sitcom "What's Happening Now," but his ad lib of "I need to lay off the fat back and chitlins!" upon seeing Shirley Hemphill in a thong put the cap on any chance of a resuscitated career.

Broke and despondent McGint spent the next twenty years wandering the streets of Hollywood muttering one liners about Indian food before being run over by a dairy truck while crossing Rodeo Drive on May 25, 2007. A fitting end for the 83 year old actor who was best known for playing a milkman. Bamboo Harvester, the horse who played "Mr. Ed," said of his co-star "He was a genius but at the same time a schmuck. Let's just say he was a schmucky genius. But mainly a schmuck."

Hope this answers your question, Trollop. By the way, what do you charge?

Fran Cooclahlee (affectionately known as "Uncle Cooclah") is a well known syndicated advice columnist and physicist who also played "Little Tommy Tookas" on the 1965 sitcom "My Mother The Goat." Please feel free to post your questions to him here. While he can't get to everyone he promises not to come to the homes of those he can get to.