Beaudinkus Realty Realtor Bio

Hi. My name is John J. Jackomon. I'm a Realtor® and a darn fine one. I think my business card indicates that, but my broker told me every darn fine Realtor® ought to give a little background and their Realty® philosophy on the company website so that's why I'm here. My broker is Arnold "Beau" Beaudinkus of Beaudinkus Realty® (formerly Arnold Beaudinkus Realtors Of Distinction®) and he's a darn fine broker. Its a darn fine organization and I'll be darned if I'm not darn proud to be associated with it.

What is there to say, really? I'm a Realtor® who loves Realty® and all my friends say I'm a Renaissance man. You know the Renaissance, right, when they did all of that painting and sculpting and stuff like that? I personally don't feel the architecture they had back then was so darn great; the houses that I sell today are much better! Hopefully you may consider buying one, but hey, no pressure. We're friends right? I'm a darn friendly guy; let me call ya up one night while you're having dinner and I'll prove it! A darn friendly guy and a Renaissance man. And a darn fine Realtor®. So there's never any pressure when you deal with John J. Jackomon. Free and easy, that's me. In fact, my friends call me "Free And Easy Jackomon," or when they've had a few, "Johnny Easy." Oh yes, and "Renaissance Realtor®"

What else about me? Well, I love Realty® and Realtors®, that's for darn sure. Great folks all of 'em. There are so many these days and they're all great. I love those guys and gals, just a darn fine group of Realtors®, every last one. How can you not love a group that contains so many fine people, especially when they're all Realtors®? Great people, some of whom just quit their regular jobs yesterday in search of the big bucks and excitement that only comes from being a Realtor®!

Take this gal who just joined the office last week, Mary something or other, can't remember for sure but a darn fine gal. She used to be a musician, plays an ocarina which is some sorta flute which looks like an oddly formed potato. And she used to write poetry too. Has a PHD in literature or music or some such thing. Gave all that artsy stuff up to become a Realtor®. You know why? Well, I'll tell ya. Because that artsy stuff, ocarina playing and poetry writing, that's all the sort of stuff they did during the Renaissance and look how darned unsuccessful at selling homes they were! Couldn't build a house worth a darn that anyone would want to buy because they were too busy concerning themselves with playing ocarinas and writing sappy poems! And if I do say so myself they smelled awful because they didn't bathe regularly; how the heck can you expect to sell houses if your body odor offends potential clients? I may be a Renaissance® man but I'm sure as shootin' glad that I wasn't around back then. I think my friends call me that because if I had been, the Renaissance would have been a financially successful period in which the price of homes would have skyrocketed, there'd have been hefty percentages for all and every Realtor® would have had many listings and sold a lot more homes because John J. Jackomon would have been around to ride herd on 'em!

You folks probably want to know what my middle initial stands for. The answer is "Josiah." He was a famous Jewish fella who invented The Bible, or the Old Testament or some such thing. Not sure if he was a Realtor® or not; I'll have to look into it. I'm not even sure why my parents gave me that middle name since we're Episcopalian not Jewish (I was actually thinking of having my middle name legally changed to "MLS"; now there's a great middle name for a Realtor®)! This Josiah was probably a nice fella but you have my guarantee he would have been a much more successful Realtor® if he hadn't spent so much time working on The Bible, though I hear the sales commissions for that are OK. Not as much commission as nice four bedroom, two and a half bath colonial on a cul-de-sac with EIK and easy access to shopping, I'll tell ya that much!

I do have a family, just in case you think I've forgotten them. A wife and two great kids. Their names are escaping me at the moment; guess its because I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet today! But what the heck, they know I love 'em and they're all darn fine Realtors®!

Folks, I want to thank all of you for reading my "web page," and I hope you'll consider Beaudinkus Realty® (formerly Arnold Beaudinkus Realtors Of Distinction®) and me, "Renaissance® Realtor®" John J. Jackomon for all your Realty® and Realtor® needs. But wait; I haven't shown you any of my listings! And after all, the most important thing for Realty® and Realtors® is to get and show listings and since the web was created for shameless self promotion let's go to it!

So here it is, my listing of the week. If you're interested I hope you'll give me a call:

1. Pleasant airy surroundings. Architecture makes use of the natural landscape ala Frank Lloyd Wright.

2. So well camouflaged that the Marshal and ⁄ or the Commanches will never find you!

3. Natural "standing water" pool doubles as both a commode AND a bathtub!

4. Convenient to shopping and schools.

What's That Show?

If you've ever tried watching today's television programs with people who started watching television during
"yesteryear," you know how trying this can be. Its even more trying when the people in question are old Italian New Yorkers. Being a middle-aged Italian New Yorker, I feel qualified to expound on this.

And now, for your perpetual amusement, a verbatim transcript of my relatives watching TV:

UNCLE TONY: I hate this show. Its stupid. All they ever do is have sex. And drink coffee.

AUNT MARIA: Its tea, Tony, not coffee. Forty years we’ve been married and you’re still confusing tea with coffee.

UNCLE TONY: Leave me alone, Maria. You like this show, Joe?

UNCLE JOE: It stinks. They all have hair down to the ass. Why the hell can’t they write a show with characters like Eisenhower or DiMaggio? Now there were some real men. Pass me the popcorn, Rose.

AUNT ROSE: What the hell am I, your personal slave? Get the Goddamn popcorn yourself. Gunsmoke, now there was a show! I see that a lot on the cable.

AUNT MARIA: Yeah, I love that Matt Dillard. He's got a son who's an actor, you know, he was in that movie "Car Crash." I think there's another son named Marshal who's also an actor. He was on that show "Mission Improbable."

UNCLE TONY: Hey, Joe, remember the show with that guy?

UNCLE JOE: Oh, yeah. They were out west or something and they had that woman on there who ran the local saloon.

AUNT ROSE: Will you please, Joe! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!

UNCLE JOE: Leave me alone, Rose, for Crissakes! You know, Tony, I think that show had Michael Landon in it.

UNCLE TONY: Yeah, I think you’re right. He was on there and then when it went off the air he was on that there "Little House in the Big City." Then he dropped dead of a heart attack.

AUNT MARIA: It was cancer, Tony.

AUNT ROSE: I heard it was an ulcer.

UNCLE JOE: Who the hell dies of an ulcer, Rose?

AUNT ROSE: If you shout in my ear one more time, I’ll divorce you.

UNCLE JOE: Good. If I remember correctly, there was a talking pig on that program.

UNCLE TONY: I think you’re right. What’s that show?!

AUNT MARIA: Would you three look at the TV? They’re still with the coffee on this damn show. Always with the coffee and the talking. I’d give my right arm to see a woman like Donna Reed get a series again.

UNCLE TONY: You'd have to dig her up first.

AUNT ROSE: I agree, Maria. I'd love to see a series like that too. With some nice canned laughter. I always found that soothing. These studio audiences today whoop and holler at the slightest thing. Its so annoying.

UNCLE JOE: The proper terminology is "laugh track."

AUNT ROSE: Leave me alone.

UNCLE TONY: The guy had a big hat. And the show took place out west, but I think some of the scenes were on a deserted island.

AUNT MARIA: I remember that. And there was that girl on there who in real life ended up in jail for holding up a liquor store.

AUNT ROSE: Oh, yeah, right. Her brother was played by the little black kid who was on that other show with Desi Arnaz where he was always saying "The plane, boss, the plane!"

UNCLE JOE: That was Tito Puente, Rose. Not Desi Arnaz. Desi Arnaz was on the show with the talking horse.

AUNT MARIA: You’re both wrong. It was Xavier Cugat.

UNCLE TONY: That’s it! The show I’m thinking of had Xavier Cugat, Michael Landon, the little black kid, the girl who held up the liquor store, and the guy who used to do the Alpo commercials. They all ran a chinchilla ranch together. What’s that show?...

(After several moments there is a revelation...)

EVERYONE: "Peyton Place!!"

Now you know why I have to see a shrink and why I always watch television alone...

Beer Totem

To the left you will see my contribution to the world of sculpture, which I call the "Beer Totem."

Here's how you can make one:

1. Drink several 24 ounce beers over a 2 week period.

2. Rinse out the empty cans then DRY them
(its important to DRY them because instruction #3 doesn't work unless you DRY them).

3. Glue them together with some extra strength epoxy.

4. Look proudly at them.

5. Invite over some friends to share in your artistic pride.

6. Offer your friends some 24 ounce beers and have them drink the beers so you will have more cans to add to your sculpture. Or, if you're frugal like me, politely ask your friends to bring their own 24 ounce beers. MAKE SURE TO HAVE A NEW MOP FOR THE UNAVOIDABLE CLEAN-UP OF PUKE.

You may be asking yourself "Where does such artistic genius and inspiration come from?" The answer is quite simple, actually.

I was in the grocery store one night several weeks ago and noticed that Anheuser-Busch was selling a 24 ounce promotional Bud Light can with the logo of The New York Mets. I am a die hard New York Yankee fan but saw no brew related to my team. So of course this peeved me.

Writing a complaint letter was a possibility but proved unnecessary when two days later I went to the same store and saw the Yankee's can which contained REGULAR BUD, not the crappy and tasteless light version contained in the Met's can (Yes, I am aware the Mets currently have a better record. Notice I said CURRENTLY).

As joy coursed through my middle-aged but not yet hardened veins I knew I had to do something in tribute to the newly discovered "Yankee Bud." Hence the sculpture.

My super was the first person to see it when he entered my apartment to install a new thermostat (the heat wasn't shutting off and my hovel felt like a Nicaraguan rain forest). He's a big supporter of the "arts" so of course the first thing he said was "What the fuck is that?" I explained it to him and he made a face which indicated either pensive artistic introspection or constipation (which would have been reassuring because the toilet never functions correctly either). I didn't ask him what he was thinking because the appreciation of fine art needs to remain unfettered by too much analysis and also because he was wielding a large hammer. When he was finished installing the new thermostat I thanked him profusely, mainly because by doing so he prevented the sculpture from melting and soiling my linoleum with white hot aluminum.

Some art connoisseurs may be disturbed by the fact that although I've said this is a tribute to the Yankees the sculpture employs other beer cans, namely Fosters and Heineken, which have no Yankee logo. True purists may say that I'm being "artistically hypocritical." For these purists I have only two words: "Fuck you." I would have said "stick it up your ass," but that's five words and I don't want art connoisseurs to think of me as a liar since they already seem to think I'm a hypocrite.

I'll explain my artistic reasoning although true art requires no explanation. The sculpture used to feature FOUR "Yankee Bud" cans but the top one got whacked off by the blades of my whirring ceiling fan when I picked up the sculpture to show a friend who couldn't understand "how those freakin' cans stand up straight without falling over". I was upset over losing the can, which was crushed, but found his comment to have artistic merit. "Hmmm...," I exclaimed aloud, "it might be a good idea to add some wider cans to the bottom of the totem to give structural soundness to it." His response was "Huh?" at which point he passed out from drink. He had polished off the two large Fosters and the "Heiny" you see in the sculpture which I promptly confiscated and rinsed out.

On yet another artistic level the dark blue Fosters can compliments the predominantly red and white "Yankee Bud" can which lends a patriotic feel to the sculpture, while the dark green of the "Heiny-Can" helps the viewer visualize the green baseball diamond on game day. The entire sculpture evokes visions of purchasing watered down beers at Yankee Stadium for ten bucks a pop. By including the Fosters can and the "Heiny-Can" we are also reaching out to our Australian and Dutch neighbors and helping to promote inebriation at baseball games as an "international sport".

Yes, I certainly am proud of my profound artistic accomplishment. And of my profoundly growing beer belly.

BackPage Volume One

VOL. 1, ISSUE 1, MAY 7TH 2007
"ALL THE AUDITIONS THAT ARE SO CRAPPY, WE HAD TO PUT THEM IN THE BACK!"

“THE STEINMENS OF FORT WAYNE,” POCONOS DINNER THEATER

The Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Dinner Theater and Water Park in Bucks County PA is accepting pictures and resumes for their upcoming production of "The Steinmens of Fort Wayne," written by Jack Thomas and directed by Billy Sebastian. The play is the story of The Steinmens, Fort Wayne Indiana’s first Jewish family and founders of its famous linoleum factories during the late 1800’s.

Available roles are:

Sid Steinmen: 55-60, patriarch of the family, loves linoleum and everything associated with it, a very loving man in a hateful sort of way. Must be a 7 ¾" hat size.

Moishe Steinman: 45-50, Sid’s younger brother, the black sheep of the family, doesn’t have a right arm due to a civil war mishap. If you are the right double-limbed actor, we will take care of this for you.

Marta Steinmen: 50-55, Sid’s wife, the family matriarch, strong-willed yet at the same time domineering with the charm to carry it off. Director sees her as a cross between Yoko Ono and Bella Abzug.

Irving Steinmen: 25 years old, Marta and Sid’s son, is at odds with his father over entering the linoleum business, as he would prefer to be a cantor. Must sing in Yiddish to a high G.

Molly Steinmen: 20-23 years old, Marta and Sids’ daughter. Marta is in love with the Steinmens’ next door neighbor Augustus Van Johnson, and wants to elope with him to Crete. This is a cause of much tension.

Augustus "Van" Johnson: 80-85 (must be able to convincingly portray 110) The local mailman, who is the Steinmens’ annoying next door neighbor. He has fallen in love with Molly, yet incontinence keeps coming between them. Sid does not want Molly to elope with Augustus, as he is suspicious of Augustus being a government operative. Another continuing theme of the play is the constant bickering between Sid and Augustus over whether or not Sid’s hat is blocked correctly. Must be able to yell gruffly and swear in German.

President Woodrow "Woody" Wilson: 35-40, gives Sid a "Civic Duty" award. Alec Baldwin type who's voice we hear on an answering machine.

Sophie Steinmen: 40-45, Moishe’s wife, a joyful woman who loves life. She dies five minutes into act one. Actress must be 300 lbs. +

Play runs from June 25th through Labor Day 2007. Fifty dollars per week, housing and food not provided. Actors must be able to drive a stick shift, to operate the water park courtesy bus during off time. Send pics and resumes to: POCONO DT, PO BOX 347, PHILADELPHIA, PA, 10075, ATTN: BILLY OR LANCE. Please include a business size SASE with $7 of postage. Thank you.

SAG ACTORS WITH GOATS

Sylvester Fane is currently accepting resumes from SAG members who own goats for a new film, "Westward Jersey!," starring Robin Williams and Johnny Knoxville. Also need actors with authentic Tibetan Sherpa garb. Do not call this office if you have already registered. Sylvester Fane, Broadway, NYC 10024.

NYU STUDENT FILM, "MORBID TENDENCIES"

An NYU Student Film, "Morbid Tendencies," is currently accepting resumes. This is a romantic comedy involving an Amish farmer and a magical butcher knife.

Needed:

Ebeneezer Krath: 24-30, an Amish turnip farmer with a sadistic edge, must speak fluent Portuguese and be able to fly a plane.

Luwanda: an African-American temptress, age 18-40, (can be a man in drag), who wants Ebeneezer to give up the excitement of farm life for a career in civil service, must own scuba gear.

Jeremy: 4-10, the precocious child who brings them together, should have an extremely strident pitch in his voice.

Film starts shooting on Thursdays from November 2007-June of 2010. Must be able to commit. Filming in Toronto and Iowa. Tape, transportation & food for principals only. Send materials to: "Morbid Tendencies," c/o of NYU, 14th Street, NYC 10011. ATTN: Otto "Squiggy" Jones.

HARRY TRUMAN LOOKALIKES FOR EASTER

"The Mall of Humanity," in Boca Raton, Florida is currently accepting resumes for their main promenade musical review, "Harry Truman’s on Parade." This is an Easter themed show which runs from June 2007 until November 2007 at which time it will be replaced by the "Memorial Day Revue". Actors and Actresses must resemble Harry Truman and be able to wear a revealing Easter Bunny costume. Also needed is a 5’ 3" transvestite to portray Winston Churchill. Sid Warstein, director of such famous musicals as "Robert Goulet’s Lunch Date," and "Three Nuns and a Yak" will direct. Mr. Warstein encourages diversity as well as bribes when casting shows. Auditions on Sat. May 12th, 2007 from 10am-10:30am at Musical Theater Center, Lafayette Street, NYC. Non-union only, bring one up-tempo, one ballad, and be prepared to dance AND to quote extemporaneously from the "Truman Doctrine." Contract includes part-time work at the GAP in the mall. No pay.

ART THEATER OF PARAMUS, "LIFE AS FRUIT"

Art Theater of Paramus, Inc., a non-equity theater located in the Acapulco Lounge in Paramus Lanes is auditioning for an actor to play a giant banana in their salute to the four food groups, "Potassium, Lecithin and You." Must be willing to commit to a two year production and pay your own tolls. The musical is part of "The Life As Fruit" series in which the actors will dance around in giant latex fruit costumes with the idea of representing man’s inhumanity to man. Entire musical is in D-flat so prepare your sheet music accordingly. Auditions will be held on Saturday February 17th from 9am-5pm at the Paramus Lanes, Route 46, Paramus, New Jersey. Take the Garden State Parkway to exit 46W. There are five tolls. Age range is 25-30, must be no more than 5’10" and 103 pounds. Non-equity stipend provided. Must be willing to bartend and hand out bowling shoes during intermissions.

GUN HILL ROAD PLAYERS, "SPEED RACER"

The Gun Hill Road Players, a community theater group that performs under the No. 4 Train on Gun Hill Road in the Bronx, will be presenting Vinny Salvatore’s original play "Speed Racer" for three weekends in July of 2007 It is based on the famous cartoon series, yet it is presented in a vague and enigmatic way. The following roles need to be cast:

Speed Racer: a small Jewish man, aged 40-55, who can deliver dialogue with a "dubbed Karate movie" accent, so that the words are not in sync with the motions of his mouth. Must tap dance.

Pops: Speed’s father, to be played by a young woman aged 20-25 with blond hair and two front teeth missing. This is being done for artistic purposes and so that she can also play Speed’s girlfriend.

Spritle: Speed’s younger brother, aged 10-12. We will accept a young boy in the role but would much prefer a cross-dressing midget, as rehearsals will be long and arduous. Midgets should reside in the Bronx and be of Peruvian descent, ESPECIALLY the southern part of Peru.

Chim-Chim: Speed’s faithful chimpanzee, aged 1-3 (7-21 in chimp years). We have a chimp on loan from the Bronx Zoo. What we need is someone to dub his voice off-stage, preferably someone who smokes no-filter "Lucky Strikes." If you own a microphone and a microphone stand, all the better.

Racer "X": This part is already cast with Frank Gorshin’s brother, Phil.

"The Mach 5": Speed’s race car. We will accept a re-done 1967 Chevy Impala. Unfortunately, we must smash the car into a brick wall, however, we will wax it for you. Your name will also be placed in the "Benefactors" section of the program. This program is distributed in many Bronx delis and in some located in Lower Westchester.

Auditions will be held on Saturday and Sunday, May 12th and 13th 2007, 9am-5pm, under the No. 4 Train, Gun Hill Road, Bronx, New York. Take the #4 train to the Gun Hill Road stop. Put on battle gear and make sure you have a machete. Be prepared to read from the script and have a two minute classical monologue ready. Oh yes, and wear tap shoes so tat you can come tapping down the station stairs. This will be the dance part of your audition. No pay.