Manny Shevitz Talent Management

And now, a short play I've written about talent agents. May they all live and be well.

MANNY SHEVITZ TALENT MANAGEMENT

Its early afternoon in the office of Manny Shevitz Talent Management Limited. The owner, Manny Shevitz, is on the telephone. He is a middle-aged huckster who always tries to make everything seem great even when it stinks.

MANNY: Manny Shevitz Talent Management Limited, this is Manny… Yes Sid, I have the kid outside right now… We’re going to tell him about the part and then we’ll send him over to you later… O.K., babe, I’ll get with you soon and we’ll do the right thing… Goodbye, Sid.

Manny's wife Bernice Shevitz enters with Thomas Anthony, a young and aspiring actor like one of whom you might see on a sit-com about people who hang out. Bernice is a basically a female version of Manny.

BERNICE: Here he is, Manny, Thomas Anthony!

MANNY: Wonderful! Have a seat kid… I see you’ve met my lovely wife, Bernice.

Thomas sits down.

THOMAS: Yes, I have. Thank you very much for seeing me.

Bernice goes and sits next to Manny.

BERNICE: Are you kidding?! After we saw your headshot we knew we just had to call you in. We had a "feeling" about you.

MANNY: And we also got the showcase invitation for that musical review you did out at the "Trenton Armory," "The Best of Ed Sullivan."

BERNICE: I never even knew Ed Sullivan sang.

THOMAS: It was "The Best of Gilbert and Sullivan." I really hoped you enjoyed it.

MANNY : We didn’t go. But when I saw that the flyer was printed on high gloss, tri-color paper I knew that it must be a good show. That’s real class.

THOMAS: Thanks. I almost didn't send you anything because your office is in Newark and its… hard to find, but my acting coach told me to mail to everybody. When I saw your ad in "The Star" I just couldn't resist.

MANNY: Smooth move kid. You won’t be sorry, for as the old saying goes, "I know talent!"

BERNICE: That’s an old saying?

MANNY: Yeah, its about ten seconds old. I just made it up!

Bernice and Manny burst into uproarious laughter.

BERNICE: Oh, Manny, you slaughter me like a Christian in a Roman Coliseum!

Bernice and Manny suddenly become silent and stare intently at Thomas.

MANNY: Should we tell him?

BERNICE: I think so, Cookie.

MANNY: Kid, before you came in I was on the phone with Sid Bentel the famous producer of such musicals as "Tova Borgnine, My Life and Times…

BERNICE: Starring the great Brenda Vaccaro in the title role…

MANNY: That’s right, thank you very much Bernice; and speaking of Brenda he also produced a very popular children’s educational musical called "Fun With the Four Food Groups" in which she played a giant kielbasa!

BERNICE: Opened in the Catskills; absolutely killed!

MANNY: Very true, very true. Anyway, kid, we showed him your headshot and he said he hasn’t been this impressed in over two months. He wants you for his latest project, a musical called "Broads, Broads and More Broads," in which you would play the part of the Easter Rabbit.

Thomas is wary.

THOMAS: That sounds really great. Is it "Off Broadway?"

BERNICE: "Off-Off." Its in Guam.

MANNY: The United States Army has a theater in Guam and they need acts to keep the soldiers entertained. You’d only be getting sixty-five dollars a week but you’d be helping out Uncle Sam.

THOMAS: Sixty-five dollars a week?

BERNICE: Minor detail. You get all the buffet you can eat and a free bed. And it was written by none other than the great Irving Schwartz!

THOMAS: Who’s that?

BERNICE: He’s my cousin from Lodi. He plays the banjo.

MANNY: That’s right. Probably the only banjo player ever to write a musical. And do you know who’s going to be playing the part of President Harry Truman?

Thomas is starting to become sarcastic.

THOMAS: Gary Sinise?

MANNY: None other than the guy who played Mr. Howell on Gilligan’s Island. His name escapes me at at the moment. He also did the voice of "Mr. McGoop."

THOMAS: Jim Backus. He’s dead.

BERNICE: Well, his career is a little slow right now but this should put him back over the top.

MANNY: Anyway, kid, you just have to give us two thousand dollars for new headshots and we’re all set. I’ve got an Instamatic camera right here in the desk. Just go stand against that green wall and we’ll get started.

THOMAS: Listen, I really appreciate your time but Guam is just a little far for me. I need to be really close to Broadway at all times, you know, the stink of exhaust, the beauty of the gutters; and anyway, I like my headshots. Thanks a lot.

Realizing its a scam, Thomas hurriedly shakes the hands of Bernie and Manny and tries to leave. Bernice angrily corners him.

BERNICE: Oh, I see! You think you’re too good for us! Well screw you, you little prick! We were going to cast you in a documentary we’re producing called "Pittsburgh, Ho!" You were going to play the part of the "Narrator!" Do you hear me?! The "Narrator!"

MANNY: You’re finished, Thomas Anthony! You’re gonna end up just like your cousin, Anthony Michael Thomas, shoveling dung in the circus someplace!

Thomas breaks away and runs out of the room.

BERNICE: He seemed like a nice kid, but entirely too Jewish!

MANNY: You wanna go in the back room and play some two-handed pinochle?

BERNICE: What the hell.

Bernice and Manny exit arm in arm.

***END***