Delete, Delete, Delete!

Morning has come. Huge pot of coffee. Turn on the computer. Open Outlook Express. Down comes the torrent of useless drivel.

Email one. If I'd like, my penis can be sixteen inches long. Not that it isn't now. However, were it not, it certainly could be. The man selling the "Vi-ah-graaa" says so. His email address has a lot of X's and numbers in it, something like:

"X34234XX@lilpenie.com"

I wonder why he's so anonymous? He's a spy perhaps? DELETE!

Email two. A friend of mine. Its a lecture of sorts; I was able to figure that out once I waded through all the bad grammar and incorrect punctuation. The email contains a lot of inquisitive phrases. "You should do this!" "Why don't you do that?" "I don't understand why you're not doing this, that or the other thing!" "Why did you do that?" My eyes glaze over. I'm a bit nauseous from all the coffee and no food. I gag and the puke ends up on the computer screen. It covers my friend's annoying avatar which he includes with every email; a picture of KISS with his head superimposed where Ace Frehley's should be. DELETE!

Email three. Its from an acquaintance I met at a friend's house. It takes forever to download because it has ten megabytes worth of files attached. These consist of a five minute video compilation of her child's birthday party along with fifty pictures of same in case I have trouble viewing the video. This way I won't miss out on the fun. Which I do because my computer is the same one that was used to write the Bible and I can't see the video OR the pics. Then I think to myself "Why the hell am I trying to look at this?" I hardly know this person. I certainly don't know the kid. Why was this sent to me? She asked for my email because she said she was throwing a party and would like to invite me. Did she mean this kid's party? And if so why wasn't I invited? She also "requests a read receipt." DELETE!

Email four. Finally something important. The "Minister Plenipotentiary Of Eastern Nigeria" fervently requests my help with a pressing financial matter of utmost importance. I plan to answer him right after I take a dump. On my keyboard. That ought to go well with the puke on the screen. DELETE!

Please stop emailing me.