Policemens' Poetry Slam

Back in February of 2007 I had the privilege of publishing some poems by my good friend, the surrealist poet Avoir Dupois.

In May 2007 Dupois had some trouble with the law when he was arrested in the Bronx for selling "goat jerky" from a pushcart without a license. The police officer who arrested him,
Detective Bill Santeciero of the 14th Precinct, NYPD Bronx Bunko Squad-Narcotics Division, confiscated some of Dupois' poems and told him "I could write better shit than this!" Dupois spit at Santeciero and is currently serving a sentence in Attica. The reason for Dupois' incarceration, however, is attempted murder, not spitting or vending without a permit. It seems that Santeciero tried to eat some of the "goat jerky" and nearly died of ptomaine poisoning.

I became so intrigued by this tale of woe that when I heard through the poetry grapevine that Dectective Santeciero had made good on his threat to "write better shit than this," I decided I had to go listen to him read some of his poems. In mid-June, 2007 I took the subway out to Astoria, Queens to the lovely "Braised Salmon Lounge" of the Olympus Diner, where the 5th annual "Poets On Patrol Poetry Slam" was being held. Consisting entirely of members of New York's Finest reciting their attempts at poetry, the winner receives a trip to the Jersey Shore and gets to beat all the losers with his night stick without fear of reprisals. Hence the term "poetry slam."

Detective Santeciero told me that one reason he decided to enter the poetry slam was because "my wife is always breaking my fuckin' balls saying I'm not sensitive so I need to show her I have a soft side." He said he was a bit angry at having to miss the World Poker Tour on cable and was "throwing shit around the house because I was so pissed off at having to miss a cultural television show to go do this faggy-ass bullshit!"

The audience (many of them on furlough from Riker's Island) was so charmed by this intelligent and literary man that I decided to publish some of his poetry here (he also said he would figure out some reason to ticket me if I didn't):

DETECTIVE SHIRAKI AND ME
A poem by Detective Bill Santeciero
14th Precinct, NYPD
Bronx Bunko Squad-Narcotics Division

Detective Shiraki and me was on a stake out down in the two-five
When we spotted two alleged assailants driving a late model Buick Century
The reflection of the hood chrome glistening in the noon day sun

So hot you could fry an egg on it to go with your dark, black coffee, no sugar

It was at this point that we observed these two individuals exiting the vehicle on foot
And entering a small corner bodega
Where the children romp and play outside
And the old folks wander drunkenly up and down, down and up
In front of the door, swearing and throwing dominoes all about
Like so many small black bricks raining down from the sky
From the sky they are raining

Detective Shiraki and me had received a report
That both assailants had been seen accosting an elderly gentleman
In an apartment lobby in the Bronx, though we did not discuss it
For it pained our souls to think of it
And anyway, we were not at liberty to divulge any information at that time
So our mouths remained tightly shut along with our hearts

Me and Detective Shiraki, Detective Shiraki and me
We then heard what sounded like an altercation and gun shots being fired
So we exited our vehicle and made our way to the door
Only to realize that it was just a child playing with a cap pistol
And we laughed, and gave him a dollar for some candy
And laughed some more
And then went into the bodega and arrested both suspects just for the hell of it

And for detective Shiraki and me, our innocence was lost forever

REQUISITION FORM 198765, REQUISITION FOR SHOES
Yet another poem by Detective Bill Santeciero
14th Precinct, NYPD
Bronx Bunko Squad-Narcotics Division

Before I’m interviewed late night on the news
I fill out requisition form 198765, sub-section part a
Of the newly mandated ancillary uniform code
State of New York, requisition for shoes

It is a form that’s like no other
It reminds me of my mother

For we all must have shoes
Is what she once said
And if you get yours dirty
Pop will kick you until dead

I remember the first time when in the form room,
Of the ninety-eighth precinct it stuck out in the gloom
I was drawn to it instantly, although I must say
There were many other forms there on my first rookie day

There was form ninety-seven
For when you are sick
And form two-oh-eight
When a suspect you kick
And form twenty-three
Which they keep in the back
To authorize use of a two foot black jack

There’s form one-six-seven
Which gets you a badge
And form four-five-eight
Which you get from that good lookin’ dame in
Communications named Madge

But none of those other forms could cure my blues
Only requisition form 198765, sub-section part a
Of the newly mandated ancillary uniform code
State of New York, requisition for shoes

For us cops we need shoes every day of our lives
To run out for donuts and away from our wives

To wear with our dress blues and wear with our jeans
To hammer the head of some dealer in Queens

To kick off a car alarm when loudly it honks
To chase an alleged sniper up to Gun Hill in the Bronx

Whenever I'm on a stake out and I'm cold
And my bones hurt and I feel like I’m ninety years old
And some homeless guy keeps on breaking my balls
By asking for bus fare to Niagara Falls

And I need a nice thought that will help keep me warm
So I swallow a cruller and think of that form

Which I filled out before I went on the late news

Requisition form 198765, sub-section part a

of the newly mandated ancillary uniform code

State of New York, requisition for shoes

Although Santeciero didn't win the contest (that honor went to a poem called "Put Up Your Hands And Throw Down That Condom, Whore!" by Sgt. Thomas Merklinson) I firmly believe that we will hear more from this fine poet in the future. He plans to keep writing, though for write now he says that "I need to put in a lot of overtime to build up my pension so this literature bullshit is just gonna have to wait."

Let us all hope that it won't have to wait to long.