An Ozarkian Rant

I saw the machine pictured to your left when exiting my local Shop Rite the other day. This product is sure to improve the already tenuous relationship which we New Yorkers have with the fine folks from Appalachia and the Ozarks. I'm fully expecting that the next time some tourist family from one of those regions stops by the store to buy some possum or raccoon for "vittles" (an adorable colloquialism for "eats") they will spy this machine upon leaving and go "deliverance" on one of the stock clerks with a rusty-stringed banjo and some K-Y. The situation will be exacerbated by the fact that these foodstuffs are not normally found in New York eateries or groceries (something the Clampetts will no doubt interpret as discrimination) and the family will therefore be forced to cancel their plans "to hunt for 'eye-talians' (I just see'd one over yonder Pa!)" and drag their two-headed, three-toed albino children (who are cousins as well as siblings) out to the expressway or to some of our more well traversed back roads to rustle up some chow.

A profound question for you, my dear readers. DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY BUY THESE FUCKING THINGS?!! And why the fuck would the genius who came up with this particular novelty tooth machine place it right next to the BUBBLE GUM machines!! If anything is going to turn parents off from buying gum for their annoying, relentlessly shrieking children its to see a machine full of fake, rotting hillbilly novelty teeth. "You see, junior, that's what happens when you fuck your sister, oh yes, and when you chew that crap! We're not buying any!! Now go over there and hug that cute little Appalachian girl and tell her you're sorry you laughed at her cyclopsian eye!"

What the fuck happened to the machine with the novelty vampire teeth that they had when I was a kid?! At least vampires aren't real (or so we hope) so you really can't offend them and kids at least know what they are. What kid knows about hillbillies? And, the novelty vampire teeth help to ENHANCE rather than DETRACT from the sale of gum because they are pearly white and have very sharp incisors, something that every parent wants for their silly kids.

The next time I visit the Ozarks or Appalachia (which will probably be sometime after I visit either Newark or the 7th Ring Of Hell) I fully expect I will see this machine in one of their supermarkets:

Have a nice week folks and be sure to brush twice a day.