The "Ashton Post Weekly Retractions" have proved so popular with our readers that this week we give you the "Best Of The Ashton Post Police Blotter", regarded by many criminologists to be the most exciting documentation of law enforcement ever compiled.
Time: 15:05 hrs.
Division: Farm Response
Title: Chicken Vandals
Location: 89 Velcamere Road, RR2, Ashton
Summary: Chicken and Lima bean farmer Joseph D. Pendragon phoned in a complaint that an individual(s) of indeterminate description was/were attempting to cut the barbed wire that protects his chicken coop. Officer Bob McGittrick responded and immediately arrested Pendragon when he caught him soliciting one of his goats. Pendragon indicated that the vandal(s) could be "my piece of s--t neighbor Harry Orson who's still upset about last July 4." Officer McGittrick tasered Pendragon when he found absolutely no damage to the chicken coop. The goat was turned over to Social Services.
2. Incident Date: June 23, 2007
Time: 20:15 hrs.
Division: Family Broohas
Title: Banana Threat
Location: 34 Eagle Drive, Ashton
Summary: Mrs. Arlene Johnson called in a complaint that her husband, Bill Johnson, was threatening her with "his banana." Officer Mabel Burnoose responded and discovered the "banana" in question was actually a large "pepperoni." Officer Burnoose sent out for a large pizza and ate it with the complainant, using the pepperoni on the alleged pizza. The alleged assailant left the residence in a huff and was later arrested for soliciting one of farmer Joseph D. Pendragon's horses. The horse was remanded into the custody of Social Services.
3. Incident Date: June 24, 2007
Time: 17:20 hrs.
Division: Fireworks
Title: Ass Cracker
Location: The Arnold Stang Community Center Baseball Field, Ashton
Summary: Officer Chuck Dipopolous responded to a report of a man with an M-80 firecracker stuck in his rectum / sphincter region. The man, who had a migraine headache and was slightly inebriated, assumed that the device was a suppository. Officer Dipopolous noticed that the fuse was protruding from the rectum /sphincter region and he ignited said fuse using his taser in order to expunge it from the victim. This caused the victim's head to land in the neighboring village of Reston where it was recovered by paramedics and attached at Reston General Hospital. The victim's name is being withheld pending further investigation (it was actually the Mayor). Officer Dipopolous issued one citation, pursuant to ancillary subsection 105-A Part C of the Ashton Penal Code, which prohibits "the possession, mistaken use as a pharmaceutical and drunken use of class C fireworks for same purpose while causing fecal matter to be sprayed in the face of a responding law enforcement officer or other official." Officer Dipopolous then returned to the station house and announced he was going to take early retirement. The party will be at The Arnold Stang Community Center on Tuesday July 10, 2007, thought NOT on the baseball field.
4. Incident Date: June 29, 2007
Time: 21:37 hrs.
Division: Adolescent BS Unit
Title: Don't Look At Me
Location: 105A, Route 92 (Main Street), Ashton
Summary: Sergeant James Hickerson responded to a complaint from Omar Kai-Am, proprietor of "Omar's Dogs And Gum" in the Main Street Strip Mall, alleging teenagers fighting in the parking lot. Upon further investigation it was determined the teenagers were having an intellectual discourse regarding which is the better recording, 50 Cent's "Get Rich Or Die Tryin'" or Mitch Miller's "Holiday Sing Along With Mitch." According to an eyewitness fisticuffs ensued when one teen looked askance at one of the other teens. Sergeant Hickerson diffused the situation by muttering something about going back to law school and then tasering all the teens. Mr. Kai-Am then exited his store and tasered Sergeant Hickerson. For his heroism (and since he offered the town a small gratuity) Mr. Kai-Am will be given the variance he needs to put up a new gas station.
Happy 4th Of July loyal readers.
0 comments:
Post a Comment