My Life As A Playing Card

Why the hell did I ever take this damned job? Huh? Tell me, please! Sure, I'm smiling in the picture but deep down I'm hurting!

First of all the recruiter lied. He told me I was going to be the Jack Of Diamonds but that went to some guy named Sid. Nice guy, no problems with him or anything, but come on! Look at me! I'm diamond material all the way! Do I look like a club to you with that smile? Come on, tell me, don't be afraid. Clubs never get the women. I asked the Queen Of Hearts for a date during a game of five card draw the other night and she told me "I wasn't her type." At first I thought it was because she was part of an ace-high flush and didn't have time to deal with it but then later I saw her with, yeah, you guessed it. The Jack Of Diamonds! Fuck it, you know? I don't need this aggravation.

Here's the other thing. When they hired me I told them "absolutely no magic tricks." So what happens the other day? I get sent to a kid's sixth birthday party with some asshole named "Hokum The Clown" who makes balloon animals and does shitty card tricks. They couldn't at least send me out with Criss Angel? At least he's good! Geez. On top of which he hid me in his ass crack once he made me "disappear." And these dopey kids fell for it. Ridiculous. I want a raise.

Speaking of stinky asses the Two Of Spades keeps farting. This guy has so much gas that if he turned himself over to the US government as an alternative fuel source the price of a gallon would go down to a buck. I've asked him nicely to lay off the pepperoni when we play Blackjack with those Italian guys from Pelham Parkway but he just doesn't listen. That card box is really cramped and it smells so rancid. I swear I'm going to throw up if he does it again. Does anyone notice this besides me? No one ever says anything. I thought the Eight Of Hearts was going to speak up the other night but he kept going on and on about being excluded from the Pinochle deck and how that's discrimination. You want to play Pinochle pal? Go right ahead! I can't stand it when I have to so I'll give you my hat and scepter and you can take my place. Please do! In fact, if you'll talk to the Two about his gas I'll do anything for you! He likes you and he'll probably listen. I'm getting a migraine now. I'm too old for this. I knew I should have kept my job as a tiddly-wink! Look, I wanted a career change, OK. Is that so wrong? I thought this would be exciting.

I know, I'm being negative. There are lot of people out of work. But some benefits might be nice, you know? Enough of this "independent contractor" bullshit! Don't the King Of Spades and the Ace Of Clubs get benefits? Yeah, they do! Because they have "tenure." Screw that! The other night some asshole dropped a huge casino chip on my head and I got a concussion! You couldn't just ante into the middle of the table like everyone else pal? And I had to pay for the doctor myself. What crap. I can't even sue because I can't afford a lawyer and that schmuck the Five Of Clubs, who has a law degree, won't even help me because he says its a "conflict of interests" since we're "friends." What? Friends? I hardly know you, Mister "Hokum The Clown Turned Me Into The Queen Of Hearts Who Wouldn't Date My 'Friend' With The Concussion And All The Kids Clapped And I'm So Great And Arrogant!" Fuck it, I'll pay for the damn doctor myself. Oh yes, and is it asking too much to have you guys pay when I give you the receipt for my dry cleaning? Those robes are a bitch and its REALLY expensive. But no, I guess I have to pay for that TOO.

OK. Deep breaths. Think positive. You're nobility (albeit without tenure); try to act dignfied. At least you're not that whore the Queen Of Hearts. Control the anger, Jack; you're just not her type. Ask out the Six Of Spades; I think she likes you. OK. Let it out, one big exhale. Another deep breath. OK. Good. Time to get back in the box and go to...to...another deep breath...to a "Slapjack" tournament at a middle school in Lodi...It can't be "Slap-eights" or "Slap-tens?" This sucks!

I knew should have taken that job with the Chess set.