For The Man Who Cares About Beauty

I know a woman who is constantly being interviewed by beauty blogs and beauty sites because, as you may have guessed, she possesses great beauty. I am quite certain that at some point she will get paid to endorse beauty products. This is a fine way to make a lot of lucre quickly and is "nice work if you can get it." And as they say you can get it if you try.

For this reason I've created a beauty product for men which I will not only manufacture (probably in my apartment) market and sell, but ALSO be the highly paid spokesmodel who's face appears on the bottle and in men's fashion magazines such as "Car and Driver" and "Field and Stream." There are already "male beauty products" on the market, but these are almost always created by women or gay men, have a sort of a "chick aura" to them and if you're not a vegetarian usually don't work (and when I say vegetarian I don't mean the normal type but rather of one those types that can only eat broccoli grown in a Kibbutz under a full moon on alternate Tuesdays).

"Oil Of Old Lays" is something completely new and different. Derived from an ancient Egyptian formula which I purchased on Ebay (and which was created by the third assistant to the second assistant of the Pharaoh Tutankhamen before he was beheaded for consorting with lepers), "Oil Of Old Lays" caters to a man's latent need for beauty products that avoid words in their descriptions such as "emollient" and "energize" (most men think the latter has something to do with batteries). Its success will rely heavily on age old concepts of male beauty such as "fat," "beer" and "salt."

Hunters will be able to rub "Oil Of Old Lays" on their faces and not only achieve a ruddy and grizzled skin tone but will be able to stand in the woods without moving and attract deer. Men attending sporting events can rub it on their groins and avoid chafing when they get up to do "the wave." Guys making a late night "booty call" can put it on just in case the woman doesn't keep any junk food in her house, as it soaks into the pores of the skin and satisfies that ever-present male need without actually having to eat, either before OR after sex.

When I was done creating the prototype jar I brought it to a dermatologist who asked not to be named due to ethical considerations. At first he called me a moron and then called security. Thinking quickly I opened the jar and he immediately swooned from the scent. He then performed various tests on the product, some of which involved sucking it through a straw and then drinking a tequila shot as a chaser. After concluding his tests the good doctor had this to say:

"Oil Of Old Lays is by far the best male beauty product...BELCH...URP...ever invented. It's not only...HIC... tasty but any man who uses it on his....FART... face will look exactly as a man is supposed to look; as if he's just slept under a bus after binging on crack!"

I certainly plan to use this ringing endorsement in the advertising campaign.

Gentleman, I am taking orders presently so please contact me. Ladies, get some for your men.