Ask Uncle Cooclah No. 6

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

I was distressed to learn that the 1960s sitcom actor Bertram McGint passed away after a sudden illness. Can you give me a bit of background on this fine thespian? How did he die?

Just sign me,

Trailer Trollop From Tralee

Dear Strumpet,

Bertram "One Line" McGint was born Hyman Murgatroyd Bertram Lipschitz on New York's Lower East Side on April 14th, 1924. In 1942, at the young age of 18, McGint received his first starring role on radio's Blue Network as "Johnnie The Paper Boy" in the daily soap opera "The Many Illicit Loves Of Madame Borcane And Her Calico Ocelot" starring Shirley Booth. Before this McGint had been working in the studio commissary where he was considered an awful cook; then the war took a lot of radio actors overseas and since he had flat feet and couldn't be drafted he was bounced "upstairs into the studio" to fill the void and so that no one else would get ptomaine poisoning. When the Booth serial ended in 1945 McGint was cast as "Indian Chuck" in the heartwarmingly authentic western "Those Dang Apaches Of The Jersey Pinelands!" which starred a young Wally Cox as "Marshal Bob."

With the decline of radio and the birth of television in the early 1950s it was only natural that McGint follow the trend and move to the new medium. He was first seen on TV in 1952 as the guy who says "look up in the sky" during the title sequence of "The Adventures Of Superman". When he did not get the pay raise he expected (due to the studios need to buy George Reeves a new pair of Superman boots) he had his agent start looking for other work.

Offers came pouring in before McGint finally decided on the role of "Mordecai The Leftist" in the ground breaking sitcom "The Goldbergs." He was blacklisted for a time during the McCarthy era for playing this role; that's what caused him to change his name to Bertram McGint from Bertram Lipschitz which he felt made him sound "commie like" (McGint was the last name of a kindly truant officer the actor had dealt with during his troubled youth). The name change did the trick; since McCarthy was inebriated most of the time he thought Bertram Lipschitz and Bertram McGint were two different actors and was convinced that McGint was also an Irish alderman from Wisconsin who had contributed money to the Senator's cause.

When "The Goldbergs" ended in 1956 McGint played various parts until he finally landed the recurring role that would earn him the nickname "One Line."

From the show's inception in 1961 until its final episode in 1966 McGint played the role of "Phil The Milkman" on the sitcom "Mister Ed," an incredibly realistic and socially relevant comedy about the adventures of an insipid talking horse and his phlegmatic owner, a low rent Frank Lloyd Wright named Wilbur Post played by the comedian Alan Young. Most of the plots for this highly intellectual program centered around Post (who was the only person Ed would speak to) trying to convince others the horse could talk while at the same time trying to meet the outrageous demands of his snooty California clients who constantly ran him ragged designing their guest houses and cabanas.

As a general rule McGint's character didn't say anything and rarely had lines in the script. Usually the directions called for him to enter, drop off a couple of bottles of milk at the back door and occasionally utter "Here are those two bottles of milk you ordered Mrs. Post" to the character played by the actress Connie Hines.

In the episode "Mr. Ed Wins The Pennant," however, the directions called for him to enter the stable where Wilbur Post kept his office and drop off the bottles there although it would only be McGint and the horse in the scene (the reasons for this remain unclear to this day). There were no lines in the script for either Mr. Ed or "Phil The Milkman;" McGint was simply to put the bottles on Post's desk and leave.

Allan "Rocky" Lane, the former "B-Western" cowboy actor who provided Mr. Ed's voice from an area off camera, had arrived to work drunk that day and said the line "Haven't ya ever seen a horse wearing a catcher's mitt?" to McGint's character when in actuality it was supposed to have been said to Wilbur Post in a later scene. McGint, always looking to get an extra line into his rather thin script, did a double take at the camera and ad-libbed the now immortal sitcom utterance "Must have been that Chinese food I ate last night!" This broke up the cast and crew; Lane, however, was not amused as he hated to be upstaged even when loaded and playing a horse. Never known for his polite demeanor with other actors he reared up from his seat and threw a horseshoe at McGint, giving him a concussion and forcing the actor to miss several days of work.

Tales of the incident and McGint's hysterically funny ad lib spread around Hollywood like wildfire and this brilliant actor quickly found himself and his talents in demand; producers would hire him to play various characters who can't believe what they've just seen and think they may be hallucinating due to ingesting exotic cuisine. Each time he was hired McGint would be allowed to ad lib the line with a different twist for which he also received a writing credit. He played "Bob The Terrified Insurance Agent" in an episode of "The Addams Family" where upon seeing Gomez shoot fire out of his nose says "I never should have ordered that Peking Duck last night!" In an episode of "The Munsters" where he played the "Man From The Phone Company" he encounters Herman and runs from the house shrieking "Next time I'll listen to my wife when she tells me to lay off the Egg Foo Young!"

Realizing that his talents might also be suited to animated comedies Hanna-Barbera enlisted McGint's services to play the role of "Tweetstone The Bird Who's A Record Player" in several episodes of the animated classic
"The Flintstones. His lines "OOOHHHH, my achin' beak!" and "Hey Flintstone, how about layin' off those Artie Shaw records and puttin' on some Mantovani?" are now considered animation classics. For a time he also played "Chirprock The Can Opening Toucan" creating such ad libs as "Boy do I hate tuna fish!" and "I sure wish she'd stop serving chili!"

By the early 1970s McGint found that his services were no longer in demand; the country was looking to more serious sitcoms and dramas that didn't feature dialogue attacking the foods of foreign nations as this practice was starting to be considered "politically incorrect." A faux pas during a 1969 episode of I Dream Of Jeannie in which an ad lib from McGint was deemed insulting to both Italians and alcoholics did nothing but harm his already flagging career; as "Tom The Dishwasher Repairman" McGint sees Jeannie turn Major Healy into a donkey and yells out "I need to lay off the sauce and I don't mean Marinara!"

Bertram "One Line" McGint faded into relative obscurity for most of the 1970s and early 1980s; he actually had a job in the private sector as an appliance salesman due to his many roles as various appliance repairmen. In 1987 he was brought out of retirement to make an appearance as "Henry The Insurance Adjuster" on the sitcom "What's Happening Now," but his ad lib of "I need to lay off the fat back and chitlins!" upon seeing Shirley Hemphill in a thong put the cap on any chance of a resuscitated career.

Broke and despondent McGint spent the next twenty years wandering the streets of Hollywood muttering one liners about Indian food before being run over by a dairy truck while crossing Rodeo Drive on May 25, 2007. A fitting end for the 83 year old actor who was best known for playing a milkman. Bamboo Harvester, the horse who played "Mr. Ed," said of his co-star "He was a genius but at the same time a schmuck. Let's just say he was a schmucky genius. But mainly a schmuck."

Hope this answers your question, Trollop. By the way, what do you charge?

Fran Cooclahlee (affectionately known as "Uncle Cooclah") is a well known syndicated advice columnist and physicist who also played "Little Tommy Tookas" on the 1965 sitcom "My Mother The Goat." Please feel free to post your questions to him here. While he can't get to everyone he promises not to come to the homes of those he can get to.