Ashton Post Weekly Retractions

We here at the "Ashton Post" always admit when we're wrong. After all our title says as much:

This being said we'd like to print a retraction. Or perhaps several.

In last week's edition we referred to local alderman Bart Ochs as "Bert." This is because he looks like the puppet from "Sesame Street." We're sorry he looks like the puppet and regret any inconvenience our insensitive typo may have caused the alderman.

Whilst reviewing last week's "Ladies Auxiliary Fashion Parade" at the legion hall we referred to one of the models, Ms. Gwendolyn Barnes, as having a "big patoot." We had meant to say "huge ass" and apologize for any umbrage taken at this slight by Ms. Barnes.

In last week's "Golf Roundup" we indicated that plumber Joe Bigswallow shot 65 in the weekly "Win A Flat Screen" league. What actually happened is that he shot teammate Bob Fenster 65 times for laughing at his shanked putt on the fifteenth hole. Arraignment will take place Tuesday. We apologize for this unfortunate oversight.

An article written by restaurant reviewer Bill Anderson for last Friday's "Ashton Weekend Highlights" stated that "Paris Hilton Smelt." He had meant to say that "The Paris Smelt at the Ashton Hilton was under par, sort of like Joe Bigswallow's golf game." We apologize to Ms. Hilton and also to Joe Bigswallow for disparaging his recent golf outing. As punishment we will allow Mr. Bigswallow to ferociously beat, with impunity, Bill Anderson with his five iron. We certainly did not mean to further compound Ms. Hilton's prison woes and are, though we cannot at present ascertain this, fairly sure that she has little perfumed soaps in her cell while incarcerated and most likely smells of azaleas.

An oversight in Tuesday's "Chess Move Of The Day" column stated that the Ashton High Boys' Chess Team acted like "insufferable pussies" in a recent match against North Castleton High. This was a regretful statement however close to the truth it may or may not be. Instead we shall apologize and say they were "insufferable weenies."

The weekly "Johnson's Supermarket Circular" for Monday June 4-Sunday June 10 had listed "Large Italian Sausage" as being "two for a dollar." It should have read "Cover your large Italian Sausage with Trojans, two for a dollar." We're sorry about your Sunday dinner and even more sorry if you got pregnant. This retraction, however, absolves our organization from any future responsibility or lawsuits. The store is still offering the sale this week so get down there and don't blame us if you don't!

Our "Television Weekly" supplement for Monday June 11-Sunday June 17 listed a rerun of "The Beverly Hillbillies" airing on channel 10 at 6pm on Tuesday, June 12 as being "Granny Gets A Suitor." What actually aired was the episode "Jethro Gets Laid." Some parents were very offended so of course we apologize for listing the incorrect episode without a warning. Let's face it though; your kids probably know more about sex than you do. But, hey, we're still sorry for any inconvenience. Still, we're right and you know it. But we apologize and it won't happen again. Stop calling the switchboard and head over to Johnson's for some of those "Trojan Two-fers".

OK. We're done retracting for this week.