If you've ever tried watching today's television programs with people who started watching television during
"yesteryear," you know how trying this can be. Its even more trying when the people in question are old Italian New Yorkers. Being a middle-aged Italian New Yorker, I feel qualified to expound on this.
And now, for your perpetual amusement, a verbatim transcript of my relatives watching TV:
UNCLE TONY: I hate this show. Its stupid. All they ever do is have sex. And drink coffee.
AUNT MARIA: Its tea, Tony, not coffee. Forty years we’ve been married and you’re still confusing tea with coffee.
UNCLE TONY: Leave me alone, Maria. You like this show, Joe?
UNCLE JOE: It stinks. They all have hair down to the ass. Why the hell can’t they write a show with characters like Eisenhower or DiMaggio? Now there were some real men. Pass me the popcorn, Rose.
AUNT ROSE: What the hell am I, your personal slave? Get the Goddamn popcorn yourself. Gunsmoke, now there was a show! I see that a lot on the cable.
AUNT MARIA: Yeah, I love that Matt Dillard. He's got a son who's an actor, you know, he was in that movie "Car Crash." I think there's another son named Marshal who's also an actor. He was on that show "Mission Improbable."
UNCLE TONY: Hey, Joe, remember the show with that guy?
UNCLE JOE: Oh, yeah. They were out west or something and they had that woman on there who ran the local saloon.
AUNT ROSE: Will you please, Joe! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!
UNCLE JOE: Leave me alone, Rose, for Crissakes! You know, Tony, I think that show had Michael Landon in it.
UNCLE TONY: Yeah, I think you’re right. He was on there and then when it went off the air he was on that there "Little House in the Big City." Then he dropped dead of a heart attack.
AUNT MARIA: It was cancer, Tony.
AUNT ROSE: I heard it was an ulcer.
UNCLE JOE: Who the hell dies of an ulcer, Rose?
AUNT ROSE: If you shout in my ear one more time, I’ll divorce you.
UNCLE JOE: Good. If I remember correctly, there was a talking pig on that program.
UNCLE TONY: I think you’re right. What’s that show?!
AUNT MARIA: Would you three look at the TV? They’re still with the coffee on this damn show. Always with the coffee and the talking. I’d give my right arm to see a woman like Donna Reed get a series again.
UNCLE TONY: You'd have to dig her up first.
AUNT ROSE: I agree, Maria. I'd love to see a series like that too. With some nice canned laughter. I always found that soothing. These studio audiences today whoop and holler at the slightest thing. Its so annoying.
UNCLE JOE: The proper terminology is "laugh track."
AUNT ROSE: Leave me alone.
UNCLE TONY: The guy had a big hat. And the show took place out west, but I think some of the scenes were on a deserted island.
AUNT MARIA: I remember that. And there was that girl on there who in real life ended up in jail for holding up a liquor store.
AUNT ROSE: Oh, yeah, right. Her brother was played by the little black kid who was on that other show with Desi Arnaz where he was always saying "The plane, boss, the plane!"
UNCLE JOE: That was Tito Puente, Rose. Not Desi Arnaz. Desi Arnaz was on the show with the talking horse.
AUNT MARIA: You’re both wrong. It was Xavier Cugat.
UNCLE TONY: That’s it! The show I’m thinking of had Xavier Cugat, Michael Landon, the little black kid, the girl who held up the liquor store, and the guy who used to do the Alpo commercials. They all ran a chinchilla ranch together. What’s that show?...
(After several moments there is a revelation...)
EVERYONE: "Peyton Place!!"
Now you know why I have to see a shrink and why I always watch television alone...
