Beer Totem

To the left you will see my contribution to the world of sculpture, which I call the "Beer Totem."

Here's how you can make one:

1. Drink several 24 ounce beers over a 2 week period.

2. Rinse out the empty cans then DRY them
(its important to DRY them because instruction #3 doesn't work unless you DRY them).

3. Glue them together with some extra strength epoxy.

4. Look proudly at them.

5. Invite over some friends to share in your artistic pride.

6. Offer your friends some 24 ounce beers and have them drink the beers so you will have more cans to add to your sculpture. Or, if you're frugal like me, politely ask your friends to bring their own 24 ounce beers. MAKE SURE TO HAVE A NEW MOP FOR THE UNAVOIDABLE CLEAN-UP OF PUKE.

You may be asking yourself "Where does such artistic genius and inspiration come from?" The answer is quite simple, actually.

I was in the grocery store one night several weeks ago and noticed that Anheuser-Busch was selling a 24 ounce promotional Bud Light can with the logo of The New York Mets. I am a die hard New York Yankee fan but saw no brew related to my team. So of course this peeved me.

Writing a complaint letter was a possibility but proved unnecessary when two days later I went to the same store and saw the Yankee's can which contained REGULAR BUD, not the crappy and tasteless light version contained in the Met's can (Yes, I am aware the Mets currently have a better record. Notice I said CURRENTLY).

As joy coursed through my middle-aged but not yet hardened veins I knew I had to do something in tribute to the newly discovered "Yankee Bud." Hence the sculpture.

My super was the first person to see it when he entered my apartment to install a new thermostat (the heat wasn't shutting off and my hovel felt like a Nicaraguan rain forest). He's a big supporter of the "arts" so of course the first thing he said was "What the fuck is that?" I explained it to him and he made a face which indicated either pensive artistic introspection or constipation (which would have been reassuring because the toilet never functions correctly either). I didn't ask him what he was thinking because the appreciation of fine art needs to remain unfettered by too much analysis and also because he was wielding a large hammer. When he was finished installing the new thermostat I thanked him profusely, mainly because by doing so he prevented the sculpture from melting and soiling my linoleum with white hot aluminum.

Some art connoisseurs may be disturbed by the fact that although I've said this is a tribute to the Yankees the sculpture employs other beer cans, namely Fosters and Heineken, which have no Yankee logo. True purists may say that I'm being "artistically hypocritical." For these purists I have only two words: "Fuck you." I would have said "stick it up your ass," but that's five words and I don't want art connoisseurs to think of me as a liar since they already seem to think I'm a hypocrite.

I'll explain my artistic reasoning although true art requires no explanation. The sculpture used to feature FOUR "Yankee Bud" cans but the top one got whacked off by the blades of my whirring ceiling fan when I picked up the sculpture to show a friend who couldn't understand "how those freakin' cans stand up straight without falling over". I was upset over losing the can, which was crushed, but found his comment to have artistic merit. "Hmmm...," I exclaimed aloud, "it might be a good idea to add some wider cans to the bottom of the totem to give structural soundness to it." His response was "Huh?" at which point he passed out from drink. He had polished off the two large Fosters and the "Heiny" you see in the sculpture which I promptly confiscated and rinsed out.

On yet another artistic level the dark blue Fosters can compliments the predominantly red and white "Yankee Bud" can which lends a patriotic feel to the sculpture, while the dark green of the "Heiny-Can" helps the viewer visualize the green baseball diamond on game day. The entire sculpture evokes visions of purchasing watered down beers at Yankee Stadium for ten bucks a pop. By including the Fosters can and the "Heiny-Can" we are also reaching out to our Australian and Dutch neighbors and helping to promote inebriation at baseball games as an "international sport".

Yes, I certainly am proud of my profound artistic accomplishment. And of my profoundly growing beer belly.