BackPage Volume One

VOL. 1, ISSUE 1, MAY 7TH 2007
"ALL THE AUDITIONS THAT ARE SO CRAPPY, WE HAD TO PUT THEM IN THE BACK!"

“THE STEINMENS OF FORT WAYNE,” POCONOS DINNER THEATER

The Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Dinner Theater and Water Park in Bucks County PA is accepting pictures and resumes for their upcoming production of "The Steinmens of Fort Wayne," written by Jack Thomas and directed by Billy Sebastian. The play is the story of The Steinmens, Fort Wayne Indiana’s first Jewish family and founders of its famous linoleum factories during the late 1800’s.

Available roles are:

Sid Steinmen: 55-60, patriarch of the family, loves linoleum and everything associated with it, a very loving man in a hateful sort of way. Must be a 7 ¾" hat size.

Moishe Steinman: 45-50, Sid’s younger brother, the black sheep of the family, doesn’t have a right arm due to a civil war mishap. If you are the right double-limbed actor, we will take care of this for you.

Marta Steinmen: 50-55, Sid’s wife, the family matriarch, strong-willed yet at the same time domineering with the charm to carry it off. Director sees her as a cross between Yoko Ono and Bella Abzug.

Irving Steinmen: 25 years old, Marta and Sid’s son, is at odds with his father over entering the linoleum business, as he would prefer to be a cantor. Must sing in Yiddish to a high G.

Molly Steinmen: 20-23 years old, Marta and Sids’ daughter. Marta is in love with the Steinmens’ next door neighbor Augustus Van Johnson, and wants to elope with him to Crete. This is a cause of much tension.

Augustus "Van" Johnson: 80-85 (must be able to convincingly portray 110) The local mailman, who is the Steinmens’ annoying next door neighbor. He has fallen in love with Molly, yet incontinence keeps coming between them. Sid does not want Molly to elope with Augustus, as he is suspicious of Augustus being a government operative. Another continuing theme of the play is the constant bickering between Sid and Augustus over whether or not Sid’s hat is blocked correctly. Must be able to yell gruffly and swear in German.

President Woodrow "Woody" Wilson: 35-40, gives Sid a "Civic Duty" award. Alec Baldwin type who's voice we hear on an answering machine.

Sophie Steinmen: 40-45, Moishe’s wife, a joyful woman who loves life. She dies five minutes into act one. Actress must be 300 lbs. +

Play runs from June 25th through Labor Day 2007. Fifty dollars per week, housing and food not provided. Actors must be able to drive a stick shift, to operate the water park courtesy bus during off time. Send pics and resumes to: POCONO DT, PO BOX 347, PHILADELPHIA, PA, 10075, ATTN: BILLY OR LANCE. Please include a business size SASE with $7 of postage. Thank you.

SAG ACTORS WITH GOATS

Sylvester Fane is currently accepting resumes from SAG members who own goats for a new film, "Westward Jersey!," starring Robin Williams and Johnny Knoxville. Also need actors with authentic Tibetan Sherpa garb. Do not call this office if you have already registered. Sylvester Fane, Broadway, NYC 10024.

NYU STUDENT FILM, "MORBID TENDENCIES"

An NYU Student Film, "Morbid Tendencies," is currently accepting resumes. This is a romantic comedy involving an Amish farmer and a magical butcher knife.

Needed:

Ebeneezer Krath: 24-30, an Amish turnip farmer with a sadistic edge, must speak fluent Portuguese and be able to fly a plane.

Luwanda: an African-American temptress, age 18-40, (can be a man in drag), who wants Ebeneezer to give up the excitement of farm life for a career in civil service, must own scuba gear.

Jeremy: 4-10, the precocious child who brings them together, should have an extremely strident pitch in his voice.

Film starts shooting on Thursdays from November 2007-June of 2010. Must be able to commit. Filming in Toronto and Iowa. Tape, transportation & food for principals only. Send materials to: "Morbid Tendencies," c/o of NYU, 14th Street, NYC 10011. ATTN: Otto "Squiggy" Jones.

HARRY TRUMAN LOOKALIKES FOR EASTER

"The Mall of Humanity," in Boca Raton, Florida is currently accepting resumes for their main promenade musical review, "Harry Truman’s on Parade." This is an Easter themed show which runs from June 2007 until November 2007 at which time it will be replaced by the "Memorial Day Revue". Actors and Actresses must resemble Harry Truman and be able to wear a revealing Easter Bunny costume. Also needed is a 5’ 3" transvestite to portray Winston Churchill. Sid Warstein, director of such famous musicals as "Robert Goulet’s Lunch Date," and "Three Nuns and a Yak" will direct. Mr. Warstein encourages diversity as well as bribes when casting shows. Auditions on Sat. May 12th, 2007 from 10am-10:30am at Musical Theater Center, Lafayette Street, NYC. Non-union only, bring one up-tempo, one ballad, and be prepared to dance AND to quote extemporaneously from the "Truman Doctrine." Contract includes part-time work at the GAP in the mall. No pay.

ART THEATER OF PARAMUS, "LIFE AS FRUIT"

Art Theater of Paramus, Inc., a non-equity theater located in the Acapulco Lounge in Paramus Lanes is auditioning for an actor to play a giant banana in their salute to the four food groups, "Potassium, Lecithin and You." Must be willing to commit to a two year production and pay your own tolls. The musical is part of "The Life As Fruit" series in which the actors will dance around in giant latex fruit costumes with the idea of representing man’s inhumanity to man. Entire musical is in D-flat so prepare your sheet music accordingly. Auditions will be held on Saturday February 17th from 9am-5pm at the Paramus Lanes, Route 46, Paramus, New Jersey. Take the Garden State Parkway to exit 46W. There are five tolls. Age range is 25-30, must be no more than 5’10" and 103 pounds. Non-equity stipend provided. Must be willing to bartend and hand out bowling shoes during intermissions.

GUN HILL ROAD PLAYERS, "SPEED RACER"

The Gun Hill Road Players, a community theater group that performs under the No. 4 Train on Gun Hill Road in the Bronx, will be presenting Vinny Salvatore’s original play "Speed Racer" for three weekends in July of 2007 It is based on the famous cartoon series, yet it is presented in a vague and enigmatic way. The following roles need to be cast:

Speed Racer: a small Jewish man, aged 40-55, who can deliver dialogue with a "dubbed Karate movie" accent, so that the words are not in sync with the motions of his mouth. Must tap dance.

Pops: Speed’s father, to be played by a young woman aged 20-25 with blond hair and two front teeth missing. This is being done for artistic purposes and so that she can also play Speed’s girlfriend.

Spritle: Speed’s younger brother, aged 10-12. We will accept a young boy in the role but would much prefer a cross-dressing midget, as rehearsals will be long and arduous. Midgets should reside in the Bronx and be of Peruvian descent, ESPECIALLY the southern part of Peru.

Chim-Chim: Speed’s faithful chimpanzee, aged 1-3 (7-21 in chimp years). We have a chimp on loan from the Bronx Zoo. What we need is someone to dub his voice off-stage, preferably someone who smokes no-filter "Lucky Strikes." If you own a microphone and a microphone stand, all the better.

Racer "X": This part is already cast with Frank Gorshin’s brother, Phil.

"The Mach 5": Speed’s race car. We will accept a re-done 1967 Chevy Impala. Unfortunately, we must smash the car into a brick wall, however, we will wax it for you. Your name will also be placed in the "Benefactors" section of the program. This program is distributed in many Bronx delis and in some located in Lower Westchester.

Auditions will be held on Saturday and Sunday, May 12th and 13th 2007, 9am-5pm, under the No. 4 Train, Gun Hill Road, Bronx, New York. Take the #4 train to the Gun Hill Road stop. Put on battle gear and make sure you have a machete. Be prepared to read from the script and have a two minute classical monologue ready. Oh yes, and wear tap shoes so tat you can come tapping down the station stairs. This will be the dance part of your audition. No pay.