An Interview With "Assbang123"

I had the high honor (both of us were high actually) recently of interviewing the film auteur known as "Assbang123" whose monumental work "Whiskers Takes A Dump On Grandma's Head" has been thrilling audiences on "YouTube" for the past week.

"Assbang," as he's known to close friends, started his film career making scatological shorts by hiding a camera in the ladies room of the bowling alley in which he used to be a porter (he is no longer employed there, for obvious reasons). Then, by using what he refers to as "strategic blackmail," he was able to raise the money to make the two minute short which fans of "YouTube" are calling "the greatest thing since the film of that dog humping a fire hydrant."

In the film, which was shot on a disposable 1.2 mega pixel camera that takes MPEGs, an elderly woman referred to simply as "Grandma" by an off camera voice is sitting watching TV and complaining ad nauseam that everything on TV is crap. Towards the end of the short a cat suddenly jumps up on the back of the chair and defecates all over "Grandma's" head. She screams, bolts from her seat and goes flying head first into the TV screen and is knocked unconscious. We then hear the off camera voice say while chuckling "Whiskers, you cad, you!" Fade to black.

Since "Assbang123" has become agoraphobic due to recent death threats and never leaves the basement of his mother's house, I had to consent to interview him via "instant messaging."

Here now is that interview:

GEOMOP: How are you this evening, "Assbang123."

ASSBANG123: Yo. Just call me "Ass."

GEOMOP: That actually brings up an interesting point, "Ass." Why "Assbang123?"

ASSBANG123: Because "Assbang" was already taken as a user name.

GEOMOP: I find this film brilliant on so many levels. For one thing we never find out if "Grandma" is actually your real grandmother or just an actress you hired.

ASSBANG123: I'll never tell.

GEOMOP: I get the feeling from watching the film that you want "Grandma" to have an "everyman" type of quality, or, shall we say, "every-grandma" and for that reason you don't want to reveal her true identity or whether she's your grandmother or even a real grandmother for that matter.

ASSBANG123: What? Nah...its because she threatened to throw sulfuric acid in my eyes after she saw the first cut of the film.

GEOMOP: Interesting. I think another brilliant subtext of this script is the whole idea of "Whiskers." The off camera voice refers to "Whiskers," and of course the title of the movie is "Whiskers Takes A Dump On Grandma's Head," but I think the true question is: "does the name "Whiskers" actually refer to the cat?" Or could it be that "Whiskers" is the nickname of the off camera voice who is putting the cat up to the "dirty deed?" It has been surmised by the critics that "Whiskers" could in fact be "Grandma's" husband, and is so named because he has the facial hair of a kindly old grandfather, but since we never actually see him and since the voice is rather androgynous, is it even a man and can we tell if this potentially hermaphroditic being even has "Whiskers?" Or perhaps "Whiskers" is an allegory for the treatment by society of the elderly, that many times they are shat upon? Then again, "Whiskers" could actually be the cat. Fascinating.

ASSBANG123: Yo, dude, you got any pot? I'm sittin' here drinkin' a 24 ounce bottle of malt liquor and that would be real cool if you did.

GEOMOP: No, and I don't think I'd be able to "I-M" it to you even if I did have some.

ASSBANG123: I have software I can email you and you'll be able to. What OS are you running?

GEOMOP: Windows 98. First Edition.

ASSBANG123: Dude! This won't work with 98! Windows is already out with "Vista" and you don't even have "XP" yet? That came out in like two- thousand- and fuckin'- one, bro! That's fucked up man. Get with the times! I need you to "I-M" me some pot!

GEOMOP: Sorry. As I mentioned I don't have any pot. Back to your film for a moment. I understand you won a "YUCKIE" (YouTube's Ultimate, Cool, Kick-Ass, Independent Endorsement), which is given to independent filmmakers whose work exemplifies the highest standards of the "do it yourself video" genre. What was the category for which you won?

ASSBANG123: I think it was "Best Use Of a 75 Watt Light Bulb To Light A Scene In An Exceedingly Dark Living Room." It was either that or "Funniest Use Of Poop In A Two Minute Short." I can't really remember. I was sort of high at the awards ceremony.

GEOMOP: Where was that held?

ASSBANG123: In Conference Room B of the Teaneck Motor Inn.

GEOMOP: Of course we know that people who have won "YUCKIES" in the past have gone on to to receive great opportunities which in the past have only gone to those with actual talent. Have you noticed your phone ringing more lately?

ASSBANG123: I guess. My parole officer called the other day to see if I'm keeping up with my methadone treatments... Dude; I just realized! He absolutely cannot find out that I asked you for pot or I'll have to go back in!

GEOMOP: Yes, well, perhaps...

ASSBANG123: Dude, I've got to end this interview NOW!!

GEOMOP: Well, in closing I'd like to say that your film has thrilled us all and will surely enter into the pantheon known as the "American Film Classic" alongside such works as Welles' "Citizen Kane" with its austere cinematography and detailed character arc and Bergman's "The Seventh Seal" with its existential imagery. "Whiskers Takes A Dump On Grandma's Head" is all that and more, at least for the next two weeks or so.

ASSBANG123: Do they beat seals in that film? Maybe for my next film I'll beat something.

GEOMOP: Sounds titillating.

ASSBANG123: Tits? Yeah, some tits'd be good too. Thanks man.

GEOMOP: Yes.

ASSBANG123: Yo, dude, you got any pot?