Customer Service...Hello, Yes?...Part 2

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Customer Service, hello...

ME: Hello, I need...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Hello, yes?...

ME: I need to know why the funds...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Customer Service, Gada speaking, hell..

ME: Did you say "go to hell"?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: No. Gada, hello?

ME: Listen, I'm trying to transfer funds and I need to know why...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I need your account number sir.

ME: I just punched that in before I was connected to you.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes, but I need it again.

ME: That's ridiculous. Why have me punch it in if you're just going to need it again?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Because the customer punching the account number in before connecting to us is what we refer to as a "PVP".

ME: Huh?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Preliminary Verificational Punch-In." We need to verify who you are via computer before we verify who you are via human contact.

ME: That's really dumb.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: No, its not.

ME: OK. My account number is 12234-87654X-00009-XJGSDJF-YK-1965-2007-HARRY. I still don't understand the "PVP" thing. Who would know that number but me?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Its for your protection sir. Just in case someone who's not you gets a hold of your number.

ME: Yes, but even if they did get a hold of it who'd really be inclined to stand there for the hour it took me to punch it in and get connected, listening to some bad Musak that sounds like a cross between Shostakovich and Megadeth?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Its a Zydeco band performing the greatest hits of Lawrence Welk.

ME: It kind of sucks.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: We think its good. Many of our customers like it.

ME: About my funds...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I just need to ask you a few more questions to verify your identity.

ME: Jesus...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I don't see that here as being listed as your name. What is your name?

ME: Bill Smith.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: That sounds fake.

ME: Well its my name. I really don't know what...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Who was the eleventh President Of The United States?

ME: What?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: You heard me.

ME: I don't know...Polk?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Was Polk a man or a woman?

ME: Well, in so far as we've never had a woman president, I guess...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Just answer the God Damn question, Jesus. I mean Mr. Smith. Provided that's really you.

ME: Errrr...a man?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Correct. I need to know the first name.

ME: You already have my first name.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Polk's first name.

ME: Christ...Phil?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: That's wrong Mr. Christ. Try again.

ME: Bob?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Nope. Throw out a few. I'll stop you when you get it.

ME: Bill? John? Joe? Richie? Art? Sid? Chip? Biff? Happy? James?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: James. James Knox Polk. You didn't get the middle name, but that's good enough. Your identity has been verified.

ME: You didn't ask me for his midd...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: OK, Mr. Christ-Smith, how can we here at the "Amalgamated Bank of Northern America Five Miles South Of The Canadian Border" help you today?

ME: I've been trying for the last three days to transfer fifty lousy dollars between my checking and savings accounts using your "Friendly Automated System" and it won't allow me to do...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: You can't do that. Your money is being held in "escarole."

ME: WHAT? Why? And by who?!! By the way, I believe you mean escrow.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes, escarole. That's what I said. And I don't know why. Some questions are best left unanswered.

ME: Yes, but my money...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir, I've given you all the help I can. All the information I can provide. I've poured my heart and soul into this "F.A.R.T." and there's really nothing more I can do. As I have a quota to meet, I shall need to bid you adieu soon.

ME: "F.A.R.T.?"

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes. Its stands for "Friendly Attempt to Resolve Tension." Its our way of saying "Let's make every customer happy!"

ME: Yes, but I'm not happy.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: It doesn't always work, Mr. Christ-Smith.

ME: My name isn't Chri...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Is there anything else I can do to help you today?

ME: Yes. Please go fuck yourself.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Would you be willing to take a short survey in the form of an email to let my supervisor know how wonderful I am?

ME: No, Gada. Quite frankly, I would not.

CUSTOMER: Well, if we can make our next "F.A.R.T." with you more pleasant please be sure to email us.

ME: Pick a less obscure president next time I call.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Will do. Goodbye, Mr. Smith-Christ.

ME: Whatever. (CLICK)