An Artificial Tree Grows In Westchester

The phone company came to my neighborhood and put up a tremendous tower so that we can get better mobile reception. They tried to make it look like a tree so that it blends in with the scenery. Notice how natural it looks:

It does resemble a tree. Sort of a giant, metallic sequoia with male pattern baldness. Or if you prefer, a vibrator for Godzilla's wife as she gets lonely when he's out on the road fighting Mothra and destroying cities.

Never one to not give credit where credit is due I must say that cell phone reception has gotten much better around here with the installation of the huge "metal tree pole." Whenever I spoke on my cell phone before it sounded like that kids' toy; the two tin cans attached together with a piece of twine. Now it sounds like a transit worker making the PA system announcements in a New York City Subway Station while throwing up.

Notice also the "Watergate Motor Hotel" in the foreground of the photo. I'm not sure whether this place was named before or after the actual bugging incident at the real "Watergate Hotel" in Washington, D.C., but hey, keep the name anyway. I'm sure its great for business; whenever I take a hooker to a $15 dollar a night roach-infested dump the bathrooms of which tired truck drivers use to lance ass boils derived from hours of prolonged sitting, I like my accommodations to be named for the sites of America's most embarrassing political nightmares. Perhaps management will consider a name change to the "The Flamingo." This way people will think that maybe Wayne Newton is performing there and business will improve past its current level of "non-existent".

Are you old enough to remember those gum machines that the Kiwanis Club would always put in dry cleaning stores to try and raise money for some worthy cause such as "canine rickets" or "feline bulimia"? I never really got the concept. Who the fuck ever went to the dry cleaner's with the slightest notion of purchasing a rock hard, chiclet style piece of gum? The reason the gum was like granite is that it had been sitting in the machine ever since the Eisenhower administration. Maybe they were figuring it would be like an impulse purchase; "You know, now that the tomato stain is no longer on my trousers I think I might like to chew on something sweet; hey, there's a gumball machine!" Still, no one ever bought any. Except for me. In fact, the Kiwanis Club raised over a million dollars for various causes as the direct result of me breaking my father's balls for a dime while he argued with the dry cleaner about whether or not the coffee stain had actually been removed from his sport coat.

Rosie O'Donnell announced last Wednesday that she will be leaving "The View." I'd give a "shit" except for the fact that I don't give a "fuck" and since "fuck" looms larger on the hierarchical plane of apathy than "shit" it is therefore negated and so frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a "damn." Donald Trump gives a "crap" apparently, which caused him to foam at the mouth on every major talk show once he heard this most earth shattering news.

Since yours truly can't get enough of these two methinks the powers that be in Hollywood ought to do a feature length movie version of "Gilligan's Island" for release in theaters and cast Rosie as the "Skipper" and "The Donald" as "Thurston Howell The Tenth." Once shipwrecked, there could be a scene where they beat each other to death with coconuts. Then, for the denouement, some of those goofy cannibalism loving natives (the ones who were always played by tanned Italian actors wearing greasepaint) would swoop down from the palm trees and eat the two of them with one of Mary Ann's banana cream pies for desert. Mary Ann would be played by Scarlett Johansson, one of the most gorgeous women on earth and the only thing that could induce me to go see this piece of shit (even if they hired ME to write it).



They could shoot the film in my neighborhood using the "giant tree pole" and the man made lake (which resembles a lagoon) that's near it as scenery.

I'm available to play "Gilligan" by the way BUT I refuse to sleep under "The Skipper's" hammock (in case she farts) or to comb "Mr. Howell's" toupee in ANY scenes...