High Fashion For The Masses

Walmart sells a line of suits. I find this hysterically funny. Some of them have pinstripes on them. I asked the clerk if the mafia shops at the store to which he responded "What?," in that way only the disenfranchised youth of America can do, bolted upright then slouched again and commenced to dragging his knuckles across the floor and onto another helpful customer service experience with yet another satisfied customer.

I tried one on and it was a bit snug and felt as if it was made of paper. When I went looking for the tailor all I could find were some kids stocking sweat pants who kept using the words "ho" and "bee-atch" over and over again, though thankfully not to me. Thankfully for them that is.

Walmart's suit line is called "George." Apparently they were named for the guy who's car trunk they were originally sold from. Walmart charges about 60 bucks for one but I think George used to sell them for about 20 bucks in the parking lot at the Meadowlands on game nights. I believe I once saw a jockey wearing one in the fifth race and I may have even spotted Jason Kidd cutting the errant threads off of one as he walked to his car after a game.

Perhaps in the more bucolic areas of the country people find "the suits of Walmart" (in French, "Les Costumes Du Walmart") high fashion, but here in New York, the capital of filthy streets and night club sophistication, we just find them a bit tacky. And you're reading the work of a man who still owns the pants he wore to his eighth grade confirmation so that's not saying too much for the suits or my fellow New Yorkers for that matter.

Deciding I wanted yet another fun customer service experience I traversed over to Staples, the self-proclaimed "Office Superstore." After firing a starter's pistol to get the attention of the clerk I then asked "Do you sell sell staples here?," to which she replied "Who's that?" I decided to tell her about the Walmart suit clerk in order to entice her to "hook up" with him." From what I hear she did. Apparently he dragged her out of the store by her hair, banging his club on the ground as they left to the applause of management. They live in a cave, have quit their jobs and instead are working on inventing fire and the wheel. Good for them. Kudos, helpful customer service kids. You are a credit to something, and when I figure out what that might be I'll let you know.

I'll talk to you all again soon. I have to run back over to Walmart and pick up some rare wine for a dinner party I'm throwing.