GEOBIT: J. Arthur Spurbington

GEOMOP WORLDWIDE NEWS SERVICE- 3 Hours Ago-

J. Arthur Spurbington, the famous inventor and financier, died this morning in Brooklyn after a long bout with diarrhea. He was 159.

Jarrock Arthur Spurbington was born on April 15, 1847 to Goatsmanaring Spurbington and his wife Bernice in Parkinsons, Kansas. His father, famous for inventing a product known as "The Artificial Sphincter," encouraged his son to explore his inventive side from a very young age.

Moving to New York City in 1870 at the age of 22, Spurbington quickly got a job working as a bookkeeper in a meat rendering plant. While there he got the inspiration for his first major invention, "Bull Taps," which he patented and made millions from. These were tap shoes specifically designed for cattle so that they would have something to pass the time with while awaiting slaughter. These also helped to increase the amount of protein in the meat.

Several profitable land investments made him even more money and by 1879 he was one of the richest men in America. Bored with the life of inventor and financier he decided to take the job of Marshal of his hometown of Parkinsons in 1880. His adventures were later chronicled in the 1950s television Western "That Darn Marshal Guy From Parkinsons, Kansas," which lasted for a season on ABC and starred Liberace in the title role.

While breaking up a fight in a saloon one night in 1885, Spurbington noticed a woman breast feeding her child and found this strangely titillating, no pun intended. Figuring that other men might also find it exciting and wishing to avoid riots in the town he came up with his next major invention, "Uncle Hermione's Boob Juice," named for a relative on his mother's side who had invented mail fraud and was later lynched by the townspeople for marrying a goat. Made from a mixture of beets and old coffee, it proved quite popular as a substitute for mother's milk and it remained so for fifty years, making Spurbington even more millions.

Spurbington gave up the job of Marshal to Wyatt Earp in May of 1886 after losing it to him in a game of Cribbage. It was at this point that he decided to take a stab at writing. His first book "Life's One Essential Truth," instantly became a best seller. The truth was simply this: "Grape Nuts® are hard to chew." He then went on to explain in detail how one might chew them successfully and to offer other applications for them, including using them to build roads or to train doctors as to what kidney stones look like. It also led to his last and greatest invention in 1898, the "Grapenuts Softener," which he placed on the outskirts of Parkinsons and which people would travel to from miles around to use for a nominal fee.

Now 50 years of age, Spurbington was worth half a million dollars, which was a huge sum of money for that time. He decided to retire and promptly fell asleep (after taking a strong tranquilizer he had invented), not awaking again until 2004 and somehow ending up in Flatbush, Brooklyn asleep on a bench. Realizing he might not have much time left and having never been married he wandered into a bar and proposed marriage to a woman he met, Tessie Tatata, a 35 year old entertainer who was working there. They were married in 2005 and one year later gave birth to a 50 year old dry cleaner who they named Sidney.

Spurbington had been suffering greatly in recent months due to some bad Sushi. Doctors think this is what led to his untimely death.

"He was a nice old dude, kinda ancient like Dick Clark or something, but he was real cool." his widow said in a statement to the press right after his death. "I want everyone to know how much I loved him, not just for his money, which I will inherit and use to raise my 50 year old child, become famous for no good reason, and make frequent trips to Bermuda with."

A private funeral will be held Tuesday in Brooklyn after which the body will be shipped to Parkinsons, Kansas and buried inside of a horse.