Customer Service... Hello, Yes?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Customer service, how may I help you?

ME: Hello...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes?

ME: Hello, my toaster...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes, how are you today?

ME: My toaster, the "Digital Toast-A-Riffic 435" is not toasting with the correct amperage, and I'm not sure but the lasers don't seem to be working.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes?

ME: Hello?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Customer service, hello?

ME: Yes, my toaster, the...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Hello?

ME: Yes, its me again.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Hello, yes?

ME: There seems to be a connection prob...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes, the connection. Sometimes they break in the main linkage. I can email you a PDF manual, 500 pages in length, where on page 542a subsection B, you can find full instructions for solder...

ME: No, no, I meant the phone connection.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Oh, I'm sorry. The phone... Weeelllll, if you have the "Toast-A-Riffic 435" you don't have the phone, that only comes built into the "Toast-A-Riffic 437BX." You might consider upgrading for a nominal charge of only fifty dollars.

ME: I meant your phone...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Oh no, sir, I don't eat toast. My phone is the old fashioned kind.

ME: Listen, I don't want to upgrade to a "phone-toaster." I just want you to repair my current toaster.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: We don't make "phone toasters" anymore sir. The melting plastic and third degree burns resulting from our previous models led to entirely too much litigation. Would you like to upgrade your phone service?

ME: What in the name of...

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I am privileged to inform you that we are a recently acquired sub- division of Markham Tri-Continental Phone Communications And Digital providing phone service to the lower Munsonville area since 1959 and poised to become the next leader in digital communications. I can offer you great deal on a combination of long distance, modem, cable and weekly laundry pick-up for the all time low low price of only fifty dollars a month though in some areas not designated as "service areas" by the FCC the rate may be as much as four-hundred dollars or as little as twenty-five cents plus applic...lick....appp...lic...lickin...apple..AAAHHHPPPP...

ME: Applicable.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Thank you. Ahhhh...pplicable sales tax and state licensing and usage fees.

ME: My toaster?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Were you toasting Wonder Bread?

ME: Yes. Why?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: That violates the warranty. You'll have to get a new unit or send it to us for repair.

ME: Fuck off.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: My ass crack or yours?