Ask Uncle Cooclah No. 5

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

You are from New York and quite frankly, I am not from New York. Can you please tell me why New Yorkers are so pissy and irritable all the time?

Quite Simply Yours,
Okie Opie From Okefenokee A Hick With A Heart Who Has Been To Muskogee

Dear Whatever The Fuck,

Please see the accompanying diagram:


These weather patterns combined with the fact that many of us are up-wind from New Jersey help to contribute to our obnoxious demeanor.

I hope this answers your question you fucking moron.

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

The fifth race tonight at Yonkers: #7 or #3? How 'bout the exacta?

Coughing Up Some Phlegm,
Old Man With Two Teeth Who Hangs Out In The Grandstand Smoking Luckies With No Filter

Dear Mucous Man,

You old World War II codgers with your charming ways warm the cockles of my heart. This being said, your analysis of tonight's fifth is reminiscent of a shithead.

Why the hell are you playing the exacta? You know you never hit. Take the 6, 5, and 3 in the NINTH race trifecta and skip the FIFTH entirely. The 7 and 3? You're such an asshole, you lovable old coot.

Now go see a lung doctor and call me in the morning.

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

Check this out:

Pretty good, right?

Formulaically Speaking,
Hy Ayecue From Hyde Park

Dear Heidi Ho,

Sorry but no. After I was done chortling I corrected your formula and submitted it to the Nobel committee for consideration, under my name of course:

I hope that for the sake of science that you have not submitted your crappy formula to any well known journals for publication, although I doubt they would publish it anyway. Next time add bananas.

Fran Cooclahlee (affectionately known as "Uncle Cooclah") is a well known syndicated advice columnist and physicist who also owns a hot dog truck. Please feel free to post your questions to him here. While he can't get to everyone he promises not to come to the homes of those he can get to.