Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Amish Man Kills Neighbor: May Get Talk Show

LANCASTER, PA, MARCH 14 2007 (GNS)-

Ezekiel Stones, an Amish Lima bean farmer, was arrested this morning by Lancaster Police and charged with the murder of his neighbor and rival Lima bean farmer, Jebadiah Rumford.

Stones, 57, shot Rumford, 45, twice in the head with a homemade balsa rifle following a dispute over whose beans contained the most fiber. The two had been feuding silently for years, and even broke a code of Amish non-violence last year when they threw cow chips at each other during a county fair. At the time Stones had been upset that Rumford's cow had defeated his in animal spelling bee.

Pennsylvania State Trooper Brian Johannsen, who arrested Stones, said that the shooting was precipitated by a staring contest that took place early this morning.

"The Amish don't talk very much, so these two guys used to stare each other down to see who would break first." said Johannsen. "I guess this time it just went a bit too far."

Neighbors of the two had no comment and one even went so far as to throw a jar of peach preserves at our photographer.

Stones' horse, on condition of anonymity (his name is Phil) told us that his owner had been depressed for some time and was thinking of shooting somebody to "release the tension."

"I've never dealt with anybody so tight in my entire life," Phil said, "even Quakers find him boring."
The horse went on to say that the feud was driving him crazy and he actually thinks it was in everyone's best interest that Rumford was killed.

"He wasn't very sociable and his barn-raising and quilting skills were marginal at best." Phil then counted to four with his right hoof, ate some oats and fell asleep.

Stones was arraigned this afternoon in Lancaster County Court on one count of second degree murder and two counts of endangering the life of a rooster. He's being held on five-hundred thousand dollars bail or a barrel of fresh churned butter, depending on which is easier for his family to come by.

In a related story, Stones has been offered a syndicated talk show, pending the outcome of his trial. Tentatively titled "Ezekiel" the show would explore such controversial topics as "Square Knot Or Sailors Knot," "My Wife Slept With My Neighbor's Goat" and "How Much Manure Is Too Much Manure?". When asked how Amish people would receive the show given the fact that they have no televisions, executives from the syndicator, "Tri-State Hauling," had no comment.

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