Its been all over the news that Britney Spears has shaved her head bald. As a general rule a person will only shave their head for one of three reasons:
1. They're going to a costume party as Mr. Clean.
2. They have head lice.
3. They're going to the chair (and in that case you have no choice).
People all over the world are in shock over her actions because in today's world you just don't touch your "do". Everyone today has hair. Real hair, fake hair, all kinds of hair. And let's face it, Britney Spears is one of the most important and talented people EVER and so much of that talent is comprised of her hair. The billions of people around the world who look to her for intellectual and spiritual guidance are confused. Should they shave their heads? The cosmos is in an uproar! She is their guru!
In the world of the 1970s things were different. Everyone was shaving their heads because there was a different guru to look up to who shaved his. He was a talented actor and FANTASTIC singer, maybe even better than Britney. His name was Telly Savalas and he starred in a show called "Kojak."
Telly was always the rebellious iconoclast, daring to be different from even his hirsute brothers as seen in this 1935 photo from their grammar school yearbook:
From the time he was five years old Telly had shaved his head bald. Society didn't understand and sometimes even his family gave him grief. Brother Gus recalls that when Telly was twelve years old their brother George asked him during Christmas dinner "What's up with the no hair deal chickie?," to which Telly responded "Hey, baby, you're crampin' my vibe and my lady friend don't like it neither, you dig?" at which point the young Telly and his 25 year old girlfriend stormed away from the table.
Yet fame as detective Theo Kojak starting in 1973 would change all of the hate and ostracizing. People started realizing that "bald was beautiful." Kids all over the country started walking around hairless and shaving their pets as well. Barbers everywhere were throwing out their shears and buying shammy cloths to give "scalp shines." A young unknown Russian actor named Yul Brynner cleaned off his pate and started getting intimidating roles playing Asians and cowboys. All because they idolized the bald cop with the lollipop and the "Who Loves Ya Baby?" smile.
But what really got the kids into the bald look was the music. In 1974 with the release of the self-titled "Telly" it was clear that the music industry and fashion would be changed forever in a way that it hadn't been since The Beatles and before that, Ish Kabibble.
The record featured Telly singing such standards as George Harrison's "Something" and Helen Reddy's "You And Me Against The World" in a manly yet dulcet and atonal type of croak. The kids went nuts. It was a defining moment for the generation, a zeitgeist of unbelievable proportions. Frank Sinatra said it best when he opened for Telly at the Sands back in 1975; "This cat is swingin, baby, and he really knows how to wear a suit."
Things only got better in 1975 with release of "Who Loves Ya Baby?," and the absolutely amazing "This Is Telly Savalas," featuring a cover shot of Telly romantically singing "Try To Remember" from the Fantasticks (track 2 on the record) wearing a fur coat, brandishing a Luger and smoking a Tiparillo. He was the O.G., the very first "playah," and the crowds went wild. Then as quickly as it had started, that's how quickly it came crashing down.
Bald Greek TV detectives singing light jazz and pop standards were being replaced by groups like Pink Floyd and The Captain And Tenille. Even though Telly was still popular two big outdoor concerts his manager set up, "Lollipop-a-Palooza" and "Telly-Palooza," did less than stellar ticket sales. He had married a woman whose name he couldn't even remember and who had been the coat check girl at the Sands. Riding on his coattails she released the highly forgettable album, "That Coat Check Girl Who's Married To Telly Sings The Best Of The Strawberry Alarm Clock." This embarrassed him greatly and compounded his ever mounting woes. Then he did something that the world will never forget and many considered a drastic cry for help.
I'll never forget the date, June 26, 1975, nor will I forget the blood curdling scream I heard when the paperboy delivered the "Daily News" and my mother saw this headline:
People fainted dead on the streets. It was discussed and analyzed on the news for days. Walter Cronkite said it was "more important to society than the end of World War Two."
What was he thinking anyway? While it was true that bald was out and hair was in, there was no way that people were going to accept Telly with hair. It wasn't going to make his music popular again. The times they were "a changin" and it was simply time for him to move on. He checked into a rehab program, divorced the coat check girl and put his beloved cat Aristophanes up for adoption.
When he got out his manager tried to initiate a musical comeback of sorts by getting Telly a track on the compilation album "Truckstar Music Volume 2," which was attempting to capitalize on all the hoopla over convoys and CB Radios popularized by movies like "Smokey And The Bandit." He gave his all to the children's song "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt," but alas it was too little too late. The song failed to chart and his music career ended. Even the fact that he shaved his head bald again for the album hadn't helped.
Yet Telly, always the icon, always the rebel, always the fighter, came back with a vengeance. He left his head bald, continued to play "Kojak" in a variety of "made for TV movies," and even sang now and again at parties and show business functions the most famous being the "Morey Amsterdam Telethon To Raise Money For Shingles Awareness," at which he sang a medley of hits by Bachman Turner Overdrive.
You too can come back, Britney. Its all there for you. Just like it was for Telly.
Grow your talented locks back. Your minions fervently await your return to glory.
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