Ask Uncle Cooclah No. 4

Dear Uncle Cooclah,

My friends say I'm petulant. This stems from the fact that I never answer their emails or return their phone calls yet I expect my phone calls and emails to be responded to immediately. If they are not I send nasty follow-up emails with huge capital letters and swear words and leave phone messages loaded with vitriol where the party on the receiving end can actually feel the saliva gushing through the earpiece. The reason that I'm this way and feel I'm justified in being so is that I'm a "Producer®" and have a large "type-A®" personality. A "Producer®" is someone who has no discernible talent of their own but an uncanny ability to appropriate and take credit for the work of others and then deny that these others had anything to do with it (sometimes referred to as "collaboration").

Currently I'm working with actors, but have also fuck...I mean dealt with composers. I once even convinced someone I was Clint Eastwood, until he had the judge issue a "cease and desist" order.

Its quite hard to be a "Producer®" and also hold down a full time job selling tires so I'm under a great deal of pressure and do not think my behavior is unwarranted. Still, my friends suggested I see a "Psychiatrist®." I agreed because they all promised that if I did they would not only pay for it BUT would also pay my rent this month and I don't function well as a "Producer®" while living under a cloud of impending eviction so I thought this was a great deal (we "Producers®" are great at negotiating deals) .

The first "Psychiatrist®" I went to see was part of a clinic and only charged me $10 for an hour session. He told me that I was a megalomaniac and ought to grow up or risk losing my friends. I told him that as a "Producer®" I did not like to be condescended to and I didn't think as a "Psychiatrist®" he was really understanding my deep inner self and need for love and acceptance so I threw the $10 at him and left. I didn't tell my friends what he said for fear that they might agree and besides it was around 6pm when I left and they were probably all eating dinner.

The second "Psychiatrist®" I went to see was recommended by a friend who she had cured of smoking. This woman charged me $50 for an hour session and told me I was a narcissist with some sort of vague talent. I loved the part about the talent but don't know what a narcissist is and at that precise moment I saw myself in this big mirror she had on the wall and thought, "I'm way too cool and good looking to deal with these big words from this pseudo-intellectual," and so I politely settled up and left, combing my lovely "Producer®" hair as I flounced out of the room secretly playing with myself through my pocket since I'm so gorgeous and hip.

Finally, I went to a "Psychiatrist®" who my cousin uses to discuss his cross-dressing issues. For an hour session at $70 he told me that I have a lovely soul and am extraordinarily misunderstood by my so-called friends. He told me that my inability to respond to the communications of others shouldn't mean that I have to be understanding and non-hypocritical when it comes time for them to answer mine since that's just the "way I am, and the way you are is what makes you what you are," and these dimwits ought to understand that. I must say, I loved this "Psychiatrist®" and would also like to add that he had a very hot secretary.

Out of all three "Psychiatric Opinions®" which one do you think I should go with? I'm leaning towards number three because of its great depth of understanding although number two is kind of cool because it indicates I'm talented and I want everyone to know that this has been verified by the "Medical Community®," if not necessarily the artistic one. As I've mentioned, I don't care for number one at all.

What to do, Uncle Coolcah?

Just sign me,
Producer From Park Avenue (the one in Flushing)

Dear Park "Producer®,"

I'll send you the number for my "Psychiatrist®." For $100 he'll tell you you're an elephant and then you can go join a fucking circus.

Fran Cooclahlee (affectionately known as "Uncle Cooclah") is a well known syndicated advice columnist and pundit who appears on talk shows and news channels to discuss and analyze minutiae for hours on end. Please feel free to post your questions to him here. While he can't get to everyone he promises not to come to the homes of those he can get to.