In today's society people seem to feel the need to engage others in conversation about whatever the latest societal concern is that has their attention. Since I very rarely respond to these parties when confronted with conversations such as these, I've become a target for those who wish to have them.
When someone corners me to discuss politics, nutrition, religion, etc. I listen politely without speaking and when they're finished say something like "I think my bus is here," or, "I'm due in surgery in five minutes." What I'm thinking to myself is a different story.
Here are two scenarios that happened to me.
One night I was in the grocery store. I made my way to the snack food aisle to buy some potato chips. I'm standing there perusing for sale items when I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's a friend of mine, who I shall refer to as "John:"
JOHN: Hey. Watcha doin'?
ME: Looking for some tasty snack foods to have with my dinner.
JOHN: Get some of those salty snacks with the cholesterol in them. Those salty, cholesterol laden snacks are the best and certainly the most tasty. Try to get a cheese flavored kind to increase the tastiness, not to mention the cholesterol. Have I mentioned how tasty they are?
ME: Yes. I'm considering the "Extra Fat Sour Cream, Cheddar And Endive" flavor.
At this point a woman who neither of us know walks down the aisle. She grabs a bag of baked Soy chips. My friend notices her do this. She turns and starts to walk out of the aisle. My friend continues talking to me. In normal conversation he's loud. Now, he's REALLY LOUD.
JOHN: YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY HAVEN'T PROVEN THAT SOY CHIPS ARE ANY BETTER FOR YOU THAN REGULAR CHIPS. YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT? THEY HAVEN'T PROVEN IT. IN FACT, I HEARD SOY CAUSES TUMORS. BUNCHA LIBERALS WITH THEIR SOY. DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO EAT, YOU LIBERALS. I'M GONNA GO TO MCDONALD'S RIGHT NOW AND GET A SUPER SIZE FRIES! WITH EXTRA GREASE! BUT NOT BEFORE I BUY A BAG OF THESE HIGH FAT CHIPS AND EAT THEM ON THE WAY OVER!
ME: Great, John, I hope that works out for you.
The woman turns around and walks back towards us. She reaches for another bag of soy chips and starts muttering something about being a conservative and how she just had bypass surgery.
WHAT I'M THINKING:
SCENARIO 2:
I'm attending a party at the home of a friend. I just want to relax and have a good time and not get too heavy about anything. There are about twenty people there who have the same idea. The hostess starts an argument about Iraq. One of her neighbors, a burly man resembling Paul Bunyan's Big Blue Ox Babe, chimes in. Apparently, only eighteen of us had the idea about relaxing and not getting too heavy. It quickly becomes one of those "if I were President" discussions. As they begin "debating," I start to glaze over like a man being put under hypnosis:
HOSTESS: If I were President, I'd abolish the military and use the money saved to fund health care and plant flowers on the White House lawn to curb global warming and provide soup in every soup pot, bla, bla, etc. I'd make Hillary the "assistant to the Under Secretary Of Commerce" because I think Hillary is just TERRIFIC, bla, bla, etc.! You're insane, you don't know what you're talking about, bla, bla, etc. I'd fund alternative fuels made from soy and outlaw potato chips not made from soy! You're an asshole! Get out of my house!
BABE THE BLUE OX: What!? You know what!? If I were President I'd throw YOU out of my house! Not only would I keep the military but I would add a new branch called "Arm-nav-force-marines" which would be a combination of all the other branches! They'd only eat potato chips and I'd have them bomb the shit out of all the Iraqi soy fields! These Swedish Meatballs suck by the way! They're probably made from soy! I'm leaving!
ME: This is a Super Bowl party, right? With all the hub-bub I seem to have forgotten. By the way, are there any "Extra Fat Sour Cream, Cheddar And Endive" flavor potato chips left? I hear they're the President's favorite.
Everyone starts to skulk out, red-faced. I hang around and once its just me, the hostess and her husband I ask if they mind if I win the Super Bowl pool by default since everyone's gone. They just glare at me.
WHAT I'M THINKING: No matter who the President is I still make the same lousy poverty level salary that most artists make. And I wouldn't vote for either of you morons even if you were running for the office of local dog catcher and your only opponent was a Saint Bernard.
A friend of mine called me today and started going off about Barack Obama. Kept telling me I should "watch out for him." So I asked if perhaps he thought that Barack Obama was hiding in my cupboard brandishing a knife. As he started to go off, I once again went into my hypnotic trance. This was aided by the fact that in every other sentence he said "Barack Obama," which is a very hypnotic and rhythmic name. Soon it started to sound like an exotic drumbeat so I took out my guitar and played an exotic chord progression. My friend hung up.
So here's the deal kiddies. Eat soy chips, eat potato chips, inhale a fucking goat up your nose if that's what turns you on, just don't proselytize to me in grocery store aisles, at parties or on the phone.
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