Remembering Schlechter Hundemaler

Schlechter Hundemaler was born on October 15th, 1885 in Berlin, Germany to a Romanian Gypsy and an Admiral in the German Navy. The baby was born with a full head of embarrassing hair which stood straight up in a tuft, and so his parents left him at the door of an art supply store, Der Kunst-Versorgungsmaterial-Speicher, and ran away never to return.

Taken in and raised by the store's owner, Alter Kunsthändler, Hundemaler started showing an immense aptitude for art by the age of five. He would bathe in turpentine and drink oil paints with his dinner. After eating he would relieve himself on a canvas, allowing the oil paints to splay onto the surface along with whatever else was in there. These early works of genius were referred to as the "Poop Series."

Hundemaler moved out of the art supply store in 1900 at the age of fifteen to go live in an attic with a single light bulb and no heat. This was strange considering the fact that his adoptive father was rich and he had a fully furnished studio in the store which was stocked with all the necessary supplies. Hundemaler, however, felt that to be a true artist one must "starve and live on the edge of disaster." His adoptive father Kunsthändler felt that Hundemaler "was a schmuck."

In 1915 at the age of 25 Hundemaler joined an abstract art movement known as "Die Absract Schmieren," or "DAS," which loosely translated means "Dopey Abstract Painters." Since the word "das" means "that" in German, some critics took the abbreviation to mean "That bunch of morons who really can't paint." This of course infuriated Hundemaler, who could often be seen chasing critics down the streets of Berlin throwing canvases at them and attempting to urinate on their shoes.

At the age of 35 in 1920 Hundemaler left the "DAS" movement after a bitter disagreement with one of the movements founders, Erzürnter Büffel. They were collaborating on a painting called "BLT With Oils" in which they planned to smash a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich into a plywood canvas until it became part of the canvas, then dump oil paint all over the work. Hundemaler felt that they should use the color "Thalo Blue;" Büffel thought they should use the less popular "Cadmium Red." Hundemaler threw the sandwich at Büffel and it bounced off his head and fell out a window into the street where it was eaten by a stray dog. Since there was a tomato shortage in Germany at the time, it was now impossible to complete the work. If anyone had found out they wasted tomatoes it could also mean death from the Gestapo. Despondant, Büffel threw himself out the window and was also eaten by the dog, who it was later found out was Salvador Dali disguised as a dog as part of a surrealist film being made in the street. Later on, in 1935, Hundemaler's opinion of "Thalo Blue" as "the most important color ever, even more important then yellow," would be validated when he introduced it to the artist Bob Ross who would incorporate it into his work and make it a household word.

By 1944 at the age of 59 Hundemaler was starting to slow down, due to an extremely severe and chronic condition of gout. He never cared to marry, but had admitted to friends that "it would be nice to have someone to wash my underwear." Since no woman would have him he married his cat Katze in a civil ceremony on November 1st, 1944. But the joyous union was only to last two days.

Hundemaler was killed on November 3rd, 1944 after being run over by a Nazi tank. He had bathed in a large vat of "Yellow Ochre" that morning and laid down in the middle of Kurfurstendamm Boulevard as part of a new project. The tank's driver mistook him for a double yellow line and was later executed by Hitler, not for running over Hundemaler but for trying to cross it. A small bit of justice for a man who was perhaps the greatest painter to ever lay brush to canvas. Or pipe to cat for that matter.

FAMOUS PAINTINGS BY SCHLECHTER HUNDEMALER

"Two Annoying Kids At The Mall"

Gauche Oil On Tempura Canvas, 1923

If there were two things that annoyed Schlechter Hundemaler to no end it had to be kids and malls. He was often quoted as saying "Ich würde eher im heißen Teer als gehe zum Mall mit einigen Zicklein gekochtes lebendiges sein," which basically means "I would sooner be boiled alive in hot tar than go to the mall with some kids."

Hundemaler was often known to paint things he disliked intensely to expunge the thought of them from his memory, which is why he created this painting. This features his classic usage of lines, curves and vague abstraction. One can almost smell the cinnamon coated pretzel from "Pretzel Hut" that the boy on the bike is eating as his brother reads the latest "Harry Potter" book, both shrieking delightedly in the "Barnes And Noble" with their parents nowhere in site.

"Self Portrait"
Celery Juice On Plywood With Ketchup, 1925

This is Hundemaler's most valuable painting, and was recently sold by a Dealer in Manhattan to a Motel 6 in Oklahoma for their lobby. The transaction was completed on Ebay and although the specifics are not known, one source close to the dealer said it was in the "tens of dollars and that was without the shipping."

Notice how the green of the celery juice combines with the brown of the plywood to create a dim, almost yellow green color, while the ketchup combines with both to create a startlingly bright flesh tone. By combining all these colors with a little chocolate syrup, the tone of the hair is achieved.

Hundemaler's head seems almost disenfranchised from his body, probably his reference to the fact that the German government almost had him guillotined after the tomato incident with Erzürnter Büffel.