The New Sinatra

On a recent episode of "American Idol," the genius impresario Simon Cowell criticized a young man named Jonathan Jayne. At first it was reported that Mr. Jayne was mentally challenged and had competed in the Special Olympics, but later, this was changed to "slight autism." He sang "God Bless America." Apparently it was a choice between that and Lush Life, but he couldn't find any sheet music in his key for the latter.

You know, as a musician and actor with actual training there's nothing I like better or enjoy more than people with no experience and less talent getting work. Nothing gives my heart more joy as I drink my morning coffee and try to think of ways to keep my electricity from being shut off than turning on the "Today Show" and seeing Ann Curry interview yet another of society's most compelling entertainers.

While being interviewed by Ms. Curry today I heard Mr. Jayne and his friend Kenneth Briggs (another contestant) say that they now have agents. FANTASTIC! That's great! I also heard Mr. Jayne exclaim that he wishes to "do Broadway" (to be honest, I tried that once but ran out of Vaseline). He also wants to "do commercials and films." Sounds good to me. Perhaps I can sell him my union cards at a discount to help him save some money and thereby raise the cash to pay off my burgeoning electric bill.

In my excitement I digress. I personally consider Simon Cowell to be the most important and innovative man musically since Mozart and maybe even Thelonious Monk. And this kid Jonathan Jayne? He's got to be the next Frank Sinatra. And what of Jonathan's friend Kenneth Briggs, the other contestant who Simon dissed, calling him a "Bush Baby" and "odd looking?" Why he must be the next Jilly Rizzo!

Allow me to compare these two titans of the music industry for you. There are some amazing similarities and differences:

Frank Sinatra Vs. Jonathan Jayne

SIMILARITY: Frank Sinatra was male. Jonathan Jayne is also male.

DIFFERENCE: Frank Sinatra was from New Jersey. Jonathan Jayne is from Washington.

SIMILARITY: Frank Sinatra was a guy from Hoboken, New Jersey who performed many times in Hawaii. Jonathan Jayne wears Hawaiian shirts made in Hoboken, New Jersey.

DIFFERENCE: Frank Sinatra married Ava Gardner  in a small civil ceremony attended by a few close friends. Jonathan Jayne married a picture of Paula Abdul  in a ceremony performed by his cat, Mr. Tibbles.

SIMILARITY: Both Frank Sinatra and Jonathan Jayne have sung into a microphone.

DIFFERENCE: After finishing his performance Frank Sinatra would leave the microphone, exit through the stage door and go to dinner. Jonathan Jayne just eats the microphone for dinner and then buys another one.

SIMILARITY: Frank Sinatra was once chased down the street in front of the Paramount Theater by bobbysoxers. Jonathan Jayne was once chased down the street in front of the Paramount Theater by security.

DIFFERENCE: Frank Sinatra's first exposure to fame was winning a talent contest with his singing group, "The Hoboken Four."  Jonathan Jayne's first exposure to fame was winning an "Andy Milonakis  Look Alike Contest" thrown by his local Elks Club.

SIMILARITY: Frank Sinatra sang standards on the "Frank Sinatra Chevy Hour" in the 1950s. Jonathan Jayne drives a 1957 Chevy with a standard shift.

DIFFERENCE: Frank Sinatra was well hung. Jonathan Jayne wishes he were William Hung.

The entertainment business is a mystery my friends, the biggest mystery being how it manages to survive with the crap it shoots out of its collective ass.