The Most Irritating Day Ever

I'm usually not given to writing first person diatribes about how much my day sucked. This day, however, certainly merits the attention. So then, how 'bout several paragraphs?

First, my DVD player ceased to function. This happened right after I ejected Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth," which I was watching because a friend who always likes to engage in "spirited debate" kept haranguing me to ("spirited debate" is when you have friends over for dinner and scream at them for not agreeing with your political viewpoints, until they choke on the pot roast and mercifully die). I put my hand on the DVD player and it seemed extraordinarily warm to me. I called the manufacturer and the customer service person told me that the motor probably shorted from overheating. I couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't global warming that screwed up my DVD player.

Next I called my sister. Why? You think I have money for a new DVD player? Think again, junior. She has all these AMEX points she doesn't seem to use and has become an electronics warehouse for my ever failing devices. She agreed to help. Of course, the only DVD players that you can get with the AMEX points are from the Paleozoic era and are no longer supported or manufactured and have limited features. But in the end they all have one feature that endears them to me. THEY'RE FREE.

In the afternoon I had to do an oil change on my Buick. Since I can't do this in the parking lot of my building, I drove over to a friend's home. He let me use his driveway and was chatting with me about hunting, which he likes, and someone he used to work with, whom he hates, apparently a great deal since he retired in 1985. The oil change went well until the point when I was removing the filter and turned, head under the car, to acknowledge something about a "six point buck" and got hot oil all over my hand whilst banging my elbow on the axle. Then, I inadvertently smacked myself in the head with the filter wrench. I left, thanking my friend for his courtesy and hoping to get some venison in the future.

After dumping my old oil at a local service station and spilling half of it on my pants, I returned home to get "An Inconvenient Truth" and bring it back to the library. All of a sudden I hear a familiar gurgling coming from the bathroom sink. For you see, dear friends, every time someone in my building does laundry there is a point during the wash cycle where the water backs up into my sink. I've been asking to have it fixed for weeks. Getting management to fix this problem and getting the Pope to return my phone call regarding "meeting at Hooters for a quick lunch" are perhaps the two most frustrating things I've ever tried to do. I became quite agitated and unplugging my defunct VCR from the wall beat the bejesus out of it with my bare hands. Then I wrapped it in a paper bag and ran out to the parking lot to throw it in the dumpster, much like what the Sopranos would do with a corpse.

I called management and they finally sent the super over. I then jumped in the shower. While in there two things happened:

1. I could hear an ungodly noise coming from the laundry room, similar to the sound of Laurence Olivier torturing Dustin Hoffman with the dental drill in the movie "Marathon Man."

2. Whatever was being done caused the water temperature in the shower to change from 400 degrees Fahrenheit to -400 degrees Fahrenheit and back in a matter of nanoseconds. As a result my toes got frostbite, yet I have third degree burns on my ass (Maybe it wasn't the super causing this. Maybe it was global warming from my DVD player).

I jumped out of the shower and quickly dried myself. Throwing on my oil stained pants, I ran out to the laundry room. The super told me he had "snaked the pipe" (I don't know either and I didn't ask) and "that should take care of the problem." He left. Ten minutes later the gurgling in the sink started again. I walked out to the dumpster in the parking lot, pulled my DVD player out of it and hit it again. One of my neighbors, an old woman who I believe was one of the authors of the Book Of Genesis, asked me "why was I beating up that projector?"

After leaving the mother of Moses standing in the parking lot, I jumped in the car and drove to the library to return the DVD. Nothing eventful happened, except that I have about ten DVDs the library is holding for me which I now can't watch because I have no player. I then drove to the gas station to buy gas (I forgot to do it when I dumped the oil) and in my irritated state missed the entrance slightly and drove over the curb, causing hideous noises to emanate from the bottom of the car. I got out with a flashlight to look under the car and make sure there was no damage. The flashlight batteries were dead. The gas station mini mart was more than happy to sell me some of those $500 batteries they have which you can get anywhere else, including a bazaar in Egypt run by Gypsies, for a buck. I wanted some quick energy so I bought some chocolate and it went down the wrong way and I began choking. Going back to the car I put the batteries in the flashlight and it still didn't work.

I drove off. The car seemed to be working OK. I went to the grocery store to buy dinner. The cashier was asking some guy for ID to cash a check. It was taking forever. She's a friend of mine so I jokingly say to her "Geez, I hope that's for a couple of hundred thousand." The guy thought I was putting him down and asked if "I wanted to start something." The manager came over. I was too tired to give a shit.

I wanted to hit him with something but I couldn't find a DVD player.