Today I wish to take a look at the diet of the artist, be they actor, writer, musician, painter or person standing nude in Times Square playing the trumpet.
The artists' diet must provide them with the necessary energy for creativity and also allow them to eat for an average price of around $4.37 a week.
First let's take a look at the inside of the artist's refrigerator:
1. Large can of Foster's Lager to promote brain cell growth. This is the 25.4 ounce can. Most large brews only come in a 24 ounce can, so this gives the artist almost an extra ounce and a half of creative energy.
1a. A refrigerator thermometer. This is necessary because the artists' fridge protects their high quality foods and must be maintained at optimum temperature. This one has fallen several times and is held together with scotch tape.
2. Pasta in an old corning ware dish. Its cheap pasta so it sticks together but at least provides the necessary carbs.
3. Parmesan cheese, which can be used on the pasta or just eaten with a spoon once the pasta runs out.
4. A tub of "Country Crock Margarine With Calcium." In the interest of avoiding trans fats, the artist uses this as a butter substitute. The calcium nourishes the artist's weak bones. This product can also be used as a salve, let's say, if the artist should get some sort of venereal disease and can't afford a doctor.
5. Week old moo-shu pork in an environmentally safe container. The container shows the artist has a social conscience and also helps to protect the public from the fumes coming out of the rotting meat that the artist keeps forgetting to throw out once it becomes year old moo-shu pork.
6. A half-eaten package of Thomas' English Muffins. Every artist has a package of these lying around, since artists love to appear British even if they're not.
7-8-9. Yodels, Ring Dings and Funny Bones. Artists make these foods a major part of their diets because they contain iron, calcium, dietary fibers and sugars for extra nutrition and energy. But mainly its because they contain chocolate, have funny names and the company that makes them has a duck dressed as a chef for their logo.
The inside of the door of the artists' refrigerator is also important to the diet, for it contains many necessary items:
1. Half a container of one-percent low fat milk. This is to use in coffee but once it sours the lumps can be combined with the margarine as part of the salve described in #4 above.
2. Chock-Full-Of Nuts 100% Colombian Coffee. Artists love caffeine and since the name of this coffee is an apt description of the business its the preferred brand.
3. Medaglia D'Oro Caffe' Espresso. Espresso is a major part of the artists' diet because of its potent strength and because you can make it quicker than regular coffee. Espresso also gives the artist a continental air and makes them appear more stylish and intellectual. Although in English this brand name translates to "Gold Medal Espresso Coffee," the Italian pronunciation makes the artist seem even more worldly to friends and potential patrons.
4. A jar of some strange, sweet tasting Asian sauce purchased at the A & P. This can be used to mask the taste of the rotting moo-shu pork (see #5 above) and to Spackle the holes in the wall of the garret the artist lives in. It has a shelf life of about a century. This jar is actually from the late 1800s.
5. Various types of half-empty mustard squeeze containers. Artists are so concerned with art and creativity, that the minute it becomes difficult to get the mustard out of the container its time for a new one. Painters also love to use it as oil paint when they run out yellow or brown.
6. Tomato products, in this case marinara sauce and ketchup. If an artist runs out ketchup they will use the marinara sauce on a hamburger and if they run out of marinara sauce they will use the ketchup on their pasta. These can also be combined with the Parmesan cheese and English muffins to make "artisan pizza."
7. This compartment can be used to stash the urine samples required by the doctor as a result of this diet.
Bon appetit.
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