Craigslist Cacophony

Craigslist, according to Wikipedia, "is a centralized network of online urban communities, featuring free classified advertisements (with jobs, housing, personals, for sale/barter/wanted, services, community, gigs and resumes categories) and forums sorted by various topics."

I'll buy that. There's a Craigslist in almost every city. The first was San Francisco, which is where the founder, Craig Newmark, first started the list in 1995 and where the headquarters are still located.

Millions of folks post ads to Craigslist daily. There are classified ads for all sorts of things. Real estate, cars, personals, apartments, jobs, you name it. They also list "job" opportunities for people in the arts.

This morning I was looking through Craigslist New York , as I do most every morning, to try and find out about some of these wonderful opportunities. Here is an ad I discovered today:

COMEDY LYRICIST WANTED

Professional comedy lyricist wanted for Off-Broadway musical comedy going up in the spring. Must have Broadway or off-Broadway credits, and be able to write in all styles, including pop, jazz, and musical theatre. 10+ years experience as a published songwriter/lyricist preferred. Please send a resume and cover letter, along with a writing sample. Compensation: no pay

I must say, its a very tempting offer. There are so many successful Broadway musical theater professionals who will jump at an offer like this, especially the ones with "10+ years experience as a published songwriter/lyricist." I wonder if they throw in for car fare. I'd forward this to Stephen Sondheim, but I don't have his email.

Let's look at another, shall we:

LOOKING FOR HILARIOUS AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMEDY WRITERS

Prestigious animation producer is creating a hip-hop comedy movie. Looking for HILARIOUS and WEIRD African-American screenwriter to work with. Must be knowledgeable of rap music. Please send writing samples / resume / make me laugh Compensation: thousands of dollars

Now that's better! At least the compensation is in the thousands. Maybe its five thousand or maybe five hundred thousand! I love the mystery of it all and am getting tingly! Although I must admit that where it says to "send writing samples / resume / make me laugh" that I'm really not sure what to do. Does "make me laugh" come in a can? Is it some kind of software? "Prestigious animation producer?" Cool! Its probably Mike Judge or Matt Groening. Maybe Walt Disney even, back from his cyronic freeze! I never knew they advertised on Craigslist! The part about "Weird" makes me nervous though, and I'm not African-American. Guess I'll have to pass.

This next ad was listed in the "Talent" section:

LADIES, DO YOU SUFFER FROM ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES?

Ladies if you are angry pissed off, mad at guys, annoyed at certain things in your life? Would you like to work out your issues and have an outlet to get your anger out? If so reply with a pic and contact number so we can discuss this further..
Compensation: $50 an hr plus

I must admit, it was the first sentence that intrigued me. By writing "Ladies if you are" as opposed to "Ladies, are you," the writer has rendered the sentence abstract and in a word "meaningless," leading the actor to believe that this is probably some sort of wonderful farce that the ladies in question will be auditioning for. Also, what lady with anger management issues wouldn't want to get "$50 an hr plus." Maybe they mean "$50 an hr plus free Danish" or "$50 an hour plus a complimentary foot massage." The writer of this ad ought to have indicated whether the pic has to be a naked one. Once again, not being a lady rules me out of this one. Oh well.

How about this one:

TROMBONIST NEEDED

I need a replacement for my contract, starting April 2 or 10, the ship does cruises in Europe in May and you may be able to extend. You must be able to pay for a medical (reimbursed) and send me a demo. It is a dance band gig, with opportunities to improvise. Compensation: $2000

There's an old joke in the music business that goes like this:

Q: "What do you call a trombone player without a girlfriend?"
A: "Homeless."

Which is why I chose this ad. Seems legit enough, its just that you never see any ads for trombone players and I hardly ever get to tell that joke. Since I play guitar, however, I'm going to have to pass it by.

And finally there was this ad:

SEEKING KEVIN BACON'S PUBLICIST

Please contact 555-555-5555 between 8am-4pm
Compensation: no pay

You may think this is a joke because there's one of those fake "555" numbers in the ad. The person actually inserted a number, but I figure why expose it here? After all, I wouldn't want the warden to find out this person is posting or perhaps tip off the staff at Bellevue, who may be looking for this party. Maybe they need some free P.R. to highlight their upcoming release from death row, and I don't want to ruin their chances of getting it by having the authorities see the real number, which perhaps leads to the prison laundry. It may be that the publicist is being sought out because he owes the poster some money which he wishes to use in the commissary to purchase a carton of Chesterfields with which to pay off his pimp. Its all conjecture at this point.

If I knew Kevin Bacon's publicist I'd be tempted to forward this ad to them because I'd imagine they'd love to provide free publicity to an inmate. I'm sure, however, that they spend all day perusing the most arcane and buried sections of Craigslist for this sort of golden opportunity so its not really necessary.

Unfortunately there are no jobs in the "arts" that I can take advantage of today and I'm nauseous from all the caffeine I've been ingesting while writing this. Time to go throw up, probably all over my monitor which is now showing me a Craigslist ad titled ""Producer With Vision."

My vision is 20-10, which may be two much for them to handle.