Delete, Delete, Delete!

Morning has come. Huge pot of coffee. Turn on the computer. Open Outlook Express. Down comes the torrent of useless drivel.

Email one. If I'd like, my penis can be sixteen inches long. Not that it isn't now. However, were it not, it certainly could be. The man selling the "Vi-ah-graaa" says so. His email address has a lot of X's and numbers in it, something like:

"X34234XX@lilpenie.com"

I wonder why he's so anonymous? He's a spy perhaps? DELETE!

Email two. A friend of mine. Its a lecture of sorts; I was able to figure that out once I waded through all the bad grammar and incorrect punctuation. The email contains a lot of inquisitive phrases. "You should do this!" "Why don't you do that?" "I don't understand why you're not doing this, that or the other thing!" "Why did you do that?" My eyes glaze over. I'm a bit nauseous from all the coffee and no food. I gag and the puke ends up on the computer screen. It covers my friend's annoying avatar which he includes with every email; a picture of KISS with his head superimposed where Ace Frehley's should be. DELETE!

Email three. Its from an acquaintance I met at a friend's house. It takes forever to download because it has ten megabytes worth of files attached. These consist of a five minute video compilation of her child's birthday party along with fifty pictures of same in case I have trouble viewing the video. This way I won't miss out on the fun. Which I do because my computer is the same one that was used to write the Bible and I can't see the video OR the pics. Then I think to myself "Why the hell am I trying to look at this?" I hardly know this person. I certainly don't know the kid. Why was this sent to me? She asked for my email because she said she was throwing a party and would like to invite me. Did she mean this kid's party? And if so why wasn't I invited? She also "requests a read receipt." DELETE!

Email four. Finally something important. The "Minister Plenipotentiary Of Eastern Nigeria" fervently requests my help with a pressing financial matter of utmost importance. I plan to answer him right after I take a dump. On my keyboard. That ought to go well with the puke on the screen. DELETE!

Please stop emailing me.

The King Of Surplus Cups

Thursday, August 16, 2007 marked the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. As a tribute to "The King" I purchased this at my local supermarket:

The Hershey company's packaging tells us to "Live Like The King." Apparently they believe the royal lifestyle will result from eating a candy facsimile of the sandwich that helped contribute to "The King's" death. They had wanted to put amphetamines in the original version but the FDA told them no.

I'm very glad that Hershey's has printed "Collector Edition" on the wrapper. I wasn't sure collecting them would be of value but now I know. Perhaps they will consider issuing a numbered certificate with each purchase so that once I've sat on these things (not literally) for a decade or so I can go list them on EBay and turn quite a profit on sales to overweight trailer folk.

Of course I'll have to store my "collection" in dry ice to prevent rotting, stinky peanut butter, banana and chocolate. All this being said I must admit these are damn tasty.

But alas I'm not going to collect the "King Cups." I already have a surplus of cups in my apartment and since I'm planning on moving in a couple of months I really don't wish to acquire any more inventory. What I really want is to get rid of most of them.

In fact I too am a "King" of sorts. I'm "The King Surplus Cups:"


I use "cups" as an all encompassing genre that includes "glasses," "mugs" and "bowls." As you can see there are a lot of them in the cabinet. How the hell a single man like me ended up with all these "cups" I'll never know. If you look at the mug directly to the right of the coffee pot you will see it is a "Hershey Mug," yet another example of the pervasive influence of that company in all our lives. I drank a beer from it as I ate my "King Cups."

Most single folks only need several "cups" to live comfortably. I hardly entertain and usually just use a coffee mug and one glass that I can keep rinsing out over and over again. Same goes for the bowls.

So what to do with the cups? And the bowls? And the mugs?

I'm not really sure. Some of you will tell me to "just throw them out." Others will tell me "donate them." After all there are many homeless shelters that can probably use some old glassware. Environmental types will be horrified if I don't turn them in for recycling.

These suggestions are all good but are entirely too logical for me. I need a suggestion on what to do with the "cups" that's comprised of a great deal of folderol and time wasting.

One solution I came up with is based on a dream I had about the following establishment, which doesn't actually exist YET:

I figure the first thing to do is phone someone in Kentucky and see if the town actually exists. If not I'll have to have it built; if it already exists that's even better. I'll also need to build "Route 29" and "Elmo's Bowl & Blow" BEFORE I build the actual museum. This way people will know how to find it. Then I build the museum, I donate my "cups" and PROBLEM SOLVED.

Now the question becomes how to raise the money. Corporate investors maybe? Wealthy private citizens? Its a great idea so I can't see any issue with raising the funds.

I need to sit down and flesh this out so I'm going to grab my "Hershey Mug," pour myself a beer and enjoy Hershey's latest product: "Reese's Mama Cass Ham & Cheese Sandwich Peanut Butter Cups."